Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

Disclaimer: This isn't an advice website. Yet from time to time we receive email asking for the Heartlessly Bitchy point of view. If you need serious medication, therapy or professional help, seek elsewhere. However, if you still insist on soliciting OUR advice, just remember...


All submissions become the property of HBI and by sending email to Auntie Dote you thereby give your permission for letters and responses (sans identifying information) to be published on the website. No emails will be answered individually.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...

Sep 5, 2005

(Dear readers, the only way to do this one justice, is to line-by-line it...)

Hi, my name is Mr. [blank - blank]. I am 33 years old, male, and I live in New Jersey. I am Indian, but most people don't think I am. Most people tell me that I look French, Italian, European, and Spanish.

I hope this isn't one of those racial self-hatred types. He's really obsessed with labelling the package.

I consider my self to be very handsome.


I am 5'3" 135lbs.

Yes, but what is your most vital statistic? Just kidding.

short black hair, dark brown eyes, trimmed mustach, bronze skin color, strong muscular body, silky smooth & soft skin texture, clean cut shaven,

He's describing himself like a plate of cookies. "I am golden brown, baked to perfection, I measure 2.5" in diameter and I am loaded with rich, silky, partially melted chocolate chips...I consider myself to be very delicious."

and a gentlemen. I am very friendly and a very nice person. I am passive.

Does he mean sexually? Because he seems more like an unsolicited, heavy-breathing ego-jackoff to me.

And one of my biggest problems is that I had for a few years is my desire for a relationship with a woman. I think it's because of my penis, I have a seven inch penis.

Well, there it is. The Vital Statistic! How did I see that coming? *ahem* That's a big achievement for such a small guy. I'll bet he wears size 14 shoes, too.

And because of this, I believe that most women are attracted to me, and I am attracted to them - but, then theres a failure on my part. I get to easily turned off, and I always want to turn away from all the women that I meet.

No woman could ever live up to his own turbo-charged Handsome, his baby smooth skin, his expert grooming...*he* may be lonely, but his narcissism and his misogyny are walking hand in hand on a beach somewhere.

And I never want to give any women a chance and forget about going on a date with them, when I always used to. But I don't really want to ask them out on a date because I am so discouraged.

I think you might be gay, son. You are starting to sound really confused. In any case, you don't like women very much.

And on top of that I became so shy, and it's such a problem. I think it's because of my penis, I have a seven inch penis and it's very long, very hard, very fat, and very heavy.

Ew! Quit waving that thing around, you'll hurt someone.

And I became so concieted because of this and it's making me so anti-social. And I don't know what to do.

I suggest you button your fly.

Once again, my name is [ ]. My address is; [ ], [ ], New Jersey [] USA. My cell phone number is 201 [].

This is the LAMEST attempt at soliciting dates I have seen yet. Guess what? Even though there are plenty of other penises out there (really!), we have decided that we want to add YOUR special member to our collection. Not you, just the penis. The mason jar is in the mail; it sounds like you've done the job of self-castration for us.

-Auntie Dote, on behalf of the women of New Jersey who have to put up with this guy

Copyright© "Auntie Dote" & Heartless Bitches International ( 2000

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