Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

Disclaimer: This isn't an advice website. Yet from time to time we receive email asking for the Heartlessly Bitchy point of view. If you need serious medication, therapy or professional help, seek elsewhere. However, if you still insist on soliciting OUR advice, just remember...


All submissions become the property of HBI and by sending email to Auntie Dote you thereby give your permission for letters and responses (sans identifying information) to be published on the website. No emails will be answered individually.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...

April 9, 2006

Subject: AUNTIEDOTE: I'm in dire need of advice...please read this.

Dear Heartless Bitches,

I desperately need some solid advice and you're the only ones who can provide it. Please read this (I'll try to make it as short as possible):

I'm 22, just got out of a relationship with an emotional abuser. In the year that he's had me, he's reduced me to feeble, self-loathing neurotic. At one point, I nearly took my own life because I thought that I was pregnant with his child and couldn't stand the shame of it. And I don't mean that wrist-slicing bullshit, I mean putting a bullet through my skull. Thankfully, it blew over. I left him after that.

For several months now, I've been wondering why I put up with so much and, surprise surprise, it's because my father's an abuser. I've read all your articles; he fits the description perfectly. The problem is: I can't run away from him. Neither can my mother. What can I do? He wont listen, he wont get therapy, he wont stop, and he wont let go.

Oh and just recently, he's recruited my little brother. It's excruciating. Every day, everything they say and do...

The only solution I see is to take my mom and leave him. Only, she wont do it because she doesn't want to be a burden (she's too ill to work). And... as much as he's crippled us, I can't not love my father.

So there it is. I thank you for reading this. Any advice you can give me will be immensely appreciated.

You're going to have to be resourceful. A web site like this can't solve your problems. We can't even begin to really evaluate them based on this letter.

You know this. And in case you didn't, we posted our disclaimer on the Auntie Dote page. You have to exercise some personal responsibility about knowing when to take personal action. I can't reach through my computer and do a damn thing for you.

For all I know, this is an attention-getter. I mean, this letter has it all: toxic relationships, emotional abuse, unwanted pregnancy (at least the fear of it), threatened suicide attempts, stubborn co-dependency, at-risk siblings AND a sick mother to boot.

You're 22 for god's sake. You've made everybody else's problem your problem (your mother, your brother, etc. etc.) and you seem to be blaming men for yours. I don't know that you're so bad off. You seem capable of stringing sentences and logical thought together, you seem to be able to identify problems and deal with them. So fucking DEAL with them. Next time, try proactive birth control--yes, I said CONTROL, as in, over your own life--rather than threatening him, them, your hysterical pregnancy and me with a bullet through your brain. The only one you are holding hostage is yourself.


Copyright© "Auntie Dote" & Heartless Bitches International ( 2000
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