Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...

To Be or Not To Be a Nice Guy...

Date: Thu, 13 Dec 2007 13:29:47 -0800
From: "Alex"
Subject: Love the site, but...

Hey ladies,

First off, I wanted to say that I really like the site, there were a large number of eye-opening articles that totally rocked me, and I have to say, learned a lot from. In fact, I could safely say that you all are the types of women I love to date.

Oh boy. Is that the zenith of your esteem? You're the type of man we love to pummel for naive presumption.

On the other hand, I think there is only one thing that makes me slightly uncomfortable while skimming through your site: I feel like a huge amount of the assertions that are made, while being logical and reasonable, are not usually the norm for many women my age (mid twenties).

Discomfort is the first stone on the path to knowledge.

I can't even count the times where I read articles in the rant section that made something so clear, so obvious, there there was only one correct way to do something, and then think of 10 counterexamples from my personal history where the exact opposite was the case.

Well, rants are rants, highly individualized, not prescriptions, cut and dried for any situation. We never said to check your brain at the door!

Now I used to be one of the "Nice Guys" that you so eloquently described in one of your articles (, and I was laughing out loud at how accurate it was.

I'm laughing because you said "used to be." Familiar tune! Let's see if you can hum your way past the chorus.

But hey, I'm here to say that some of us figure out out with age and experience, and I can safely say that I can look back upon my "nice guy" days and see how truly naive I was.

Let's hope some of them do grow out of it. I gotta wonder though what the word "NAIVE" is doing there. Nice Guys are some of the most manipulative, self-analytical weasels on the face of the earth.

Anyway, I digress, the point I'm trying to make is that in my journeys starting from Nice Guy to Normal Guy, I have seen so many inconsistencies in the way women act that it's no wonder so many of us just give up and start acting like monkeys.

Way to blame your immaturity on others. Specifically, blaming men's behavior on women! What's next, a short skirt jihad?

Now, I'm certainly not advocating that kind of behavior, I'm simply stating that a lot of guys don't have their priorities arranged in a way where trying to understand their significant other hangs out near the top of their list. Those guys are douchebags.

Oh yeah. Those guys.

I am not a douchebag, so maybe a lot of these articles aren't geared towards myself.

Why am I reading this again?

By the way, I want to tell you how funny it is to read the sentence, "I am not a douchebag." Richard Nixon really, really wishes he thought of it first.

I just think that the women of heartless-bitches are one step more together than the average person, and don't fall for or put up with that kind of shit.

I feel like you use flattery to convince people they should like you. Blah. Standard "Nice Guy" fare.

That being said, I wouldn't think it would be a stretch to see "" and have it filled with fully legitimate articles as well.

Well, you're close to not getting the concept of our site. Very close. Let. Me. Help.

Asshole isn't a gender-specific insult used to keep one gender traditionally in their place for acting like the other one.

Such as: BITCH.

We're really not sure what kind of site you envision "heartless assholes" to be. We don't like assholes of either gender.

Another thing we really don't like is using sexism to justify being one. You've already shown me one example of blaming the behavior of one gender on the the other--men acting like monkeys because of the inconsistencies of women, I believe it was.

I'll tell you one thing, a HEARTLESS BITCH never blames her decisions on other people, let alone MEN. Whereas I think assholes pretty much generally try to pin their shit on everybody else around them. Imagine..."I'm sorry I told that asshole to step off, but he MADE me do it." Oh man...that's taking all the FUN out of it. The art, the grace of the well-honed comeback. Geez, I get depressed just thinking about giving the credit to someone else.

I can't even tell you how many times this has happened:
Me (to my girlfriend): So, do you wanna go out for dinner on Friday?
GF: mm, I dunno, do you wanna go out for dinner?
Me: Yeah, I think it would be fun.
Me (in my head): christ, of course I do, I asked the goddamned question, didn't I?
Me: So, I picked last time, did you have anything in mind?
GF: nope, you pick
Me: Cool, let's check out that new Chinese place.
GF: mm, I dunno, I'm not really in the mood for Chinese.
Me: alright, how about that Italian place down the street?
GF: mm, I dunno, I'm not really in the mood for Italian either.
Me: fair enough, what about (insert 3 more restaurants here)
GF: mm, I dunno, I'm not really in the mood for (insert 3 more restaurants here)
Me: So, what are you in the mood for?
GF: I dunno, anything, you pick.
Me (in my head): I am going to kill myself.
Me: What about that burrito place that we always go to?
GF: You know, I'm not really in the mood for burritos either.
Me: ...
GF: Actually... I'm totally in the mood for pizza, is that ok?
Me: *dies*

I mean seriously people, I'm not a goddamned mind reader.

Yes, but this conversation could happen with either gender being unassertive, and has. I would say that, yeah, a lot of women are trapped in this strange dating mentality that the guy has to do everything, demonstrate interest and all that. I wouldn't call this manipulative though because she could be doing a much better JOB of getting her way. It's passive, without the aggressive. It's ditzy, and that's just fucking boring.

Let me take this moment to remind you: she's YOUR girlfriend. You chose her, right? Is there any reason you can't go out for Italian with someone else, or by yourself? Just, please own your own ownership here. People who let other people get away with shit like this aren't being "nice" (AHEM!), they are making their own decision to participate in this dynamic for whatever reason. Maybe they are shallow and are dating this person for sex or status; maybe they don't think they deserve better treatment. Either way, hellooo? Any Nice Guy bells ringing here?

haha, but seriously though,

I'm afraid this joke might be on you.

my point is that this shit happens to me all the time,

Well, then, the problem must be you! Not every woman is unable to assert herself when it comes to the menu choice, let alone other things in a relationship.

this whole "I like it when the guy takes control, despite the fact that I clearly have a preference and even a fair opportunity to express as much, I just hope that he says the thing that I prefer" thing is too much for me to wrap my brain around.

If you can't have this much of a conversation with HER instead of US, well, what the hell is your role in this? Why are you enabling behavior that you really don't like?

I am a simple creature.

{Bitch muzzled for your protection}

On the other hand, I would be willing to bet that the average heartless-bitches writer wouldn't go through this irritating exchange.

Not more than once anyway.

So, I just ask that you ladies keep in mind that there are some of us out there that are decent people, try to learn and grow from our errors, and do appreciate all of the things you have to say. I'm not asking for sympathy or anything like that, I'm just saying that I believe in the credo: "Most people are fucking stupid/crazy" as opposed to "A lot of men are fucking stupid/crazy".

Where in fuck is it written on the site that we think ONLY men are fucking idiots at times?

Anyhow, keep up the good work, your site is always a good read! Thanks, Alex

Well KEEP reading. This is like an English class, and apparently we've assigned Hamlet.


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