Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

Disclaimer: This isn't an advice website. Yet from time to time we receive email asking for the Heartlessly Bitchy point of view. If you need serious medication, therapy or professional help, seek elsewhere. However, if you still insist on soliciting OUR advice, just remember...


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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...

From: Luke S.
Subject: A Civil Complaint

Date: Jun 14, 2008

Hey, Heartless Bitches

I've tacitly read your site on and off for a few years now and I'm not a huge fan really.

You're like someone on a diet who eats a whole bag of Oreos, and then says, "those were terrible", and calls Nabisco to complain. So why keep coming back? And why bother writing at all? Let's face it kids, he can't stay away from us...

I find fault with the simplistic categories you slot people into and the terrible advice you give to men and women...especially as this whole "nice guy" nonsense is concerned.

Of COURSE you do... it undoubtably invalidates your whole blame game. Obviously the public thinks we are onto something, however, given that it is easily the most commented on section of the site.

Anyone who thinks it is a sign of weakness to treat a woman like a lady

Well, Retard X, coming from Tom Jones, it wouldn't be. We're not talking about the things people DO, so much, as the way people THINK. If you THINK you're some kind of fantastic feminist hero because you opened a door for me, or bought me lunch, you need to grow some personal character to go under all of those cheap smiles and window dressing. We aren't attacking basic courtesy, but courtesy-with-an-agenda. Courtesy used as a ploy. Oh, and setting women up on narrow pedestals. We think that sucks too.

is a fucking loser, straight and simple. The weak minds that are of that persuasion are most likely men of a very low IQ

What IS it with the numbers game? I don't care if you never finished high school, a set of numbers assigned to your intelligence has NOTHING TO DO with your ideas OR character.

or women who unfortunately have been screwed over by a guy they thought was nice.

Oh honey, we've all been "screwed over" at least once in life. The gender is of absolutely no account. It's how you HANDLE life that separates the sheep from the Bitches. (or the "Nice Guy" whiners from the Decent Guys)

They go on to resent these so called nice guys and root for jerks, thinking they might as well root for the winning team and jerks will always win.

Boy, that is some weak thinking. What do you MEAN, "jerks will always win"? We don't think so. We don't plan to LET THEM.

And if that's the world you promote then maybe you're right. Maybe jerks will always win.

Cry me a river. You are obviously locked in epic moral combat with the "jerks," and in this Tolkien-esque world it's "jerks" (or, Jorcs?) vs. "nice guys," apparently. We happen to think there is more to human behavior than simple dichotomies.

Hey Nice Guys, maybe you should come up with your own language, like the Klingons and the Elves. Then, maybe, you'd be cool. To somebody, somewhere. This IS the age of the Internet.

If you hate men who are more gentle

*GAG* like...Bitch kryptonite...must...hurl....*MLLWWUUUAAAAHHHH*

He Who Is More Gentle. What is that, like, your Indian name?

because they're appalled by a culture that breeds rapists and domestic abusers and they want to reverse our country's dark legacy of sexism then fine. You win.

"Pout. Flounce. The End." It's this kind of lame pathos that makes you "Nice Guys" so repugnant.

Let me tell you something, you being "appalled by a culture yadda yadda yadda" is NOT why you are reviled by all but the parasites, and it's NOT going to get you LAID by anyone with a clue. We hate your simpering pity-parties, your hidden agendas, and your inability to actually GET why your whinging poor-me behavior is repulsive. Capiche? Understand? Will you, ever, get it? Hellooo?

And you and your pathetic lot will go on to raise daughters

Keep your mind off of my ovaries. It's none of your damn business if I reproduce. And sheesh, nice try on playing the slimey Motherhood Guilt card, way to go, male feminist.

in a world where you've encouraged men to become worse and worse people and led these fools to believe that they can only find sex and companionship by being evil.

Well, way to set up a false premise, leading to a completely cock and bull conclusion. This is clearly YOUR agenda, and not ours. We NEVER "encouraged" men to be "jerks" (a generation of member one-liners says otherwise), and we never believed that is the ONLY alternative to being a "nice guy." (but it's clear YOU do, which is one of the fundamental reasons you are a loser in the eyes of a Heartless Bitch.)

You are like a kitten in a court room, setting up your lawyerly arguments with all the rhetorical bedazzle of a flying ball of colored yarn.

Surely you will suggest that I am somehow socially inept or lonely.

That presumes I give a crap about you, your personal life, and the horse you rode in on! Possibly the same thing.

I am not.

Congratufuckin'lations. Relevance? You are still a passive-aggressive RETARD. It doesn't surprise us at all that those sometimes come in pairs.

But at times in my life I have been as you have been and everyone else has.

*violin music* your point?

You can use that petty attack against me

Listen, if you think you already know both sides of this argument, why bother writing to us? Just put it in your blog and wait for fame and fortune to strike.

but the other side of the coin is that if you respond with bitterness and insults

What site is HE reading, anyway? I swear, the passive types just come here looking for a beatdown...

I will merely assume that some guy you thought was nice fucked you over and then dumped you and that is the source of your hate.

Of COURSE you will. Because then you don't actually have to THINK or do any REAL introspection. Here's a Newsflash for you: we don't "hate" you. You came to US, remember? We're just answering the mail.

Whatever you say I'm not responding, which is why I've countered your attack before hand.

Nice fuckin' grenade, Gomer. Unfortunately for you, it's an impotent dud, and I think the wind just blew it back into your foxhole.

Have a good one.

Why don't you take your compounded knowledge of Middle Earth and The Forest of Nice Guys and create a website that is as popular as HBI? Then, YOU can eagerly wait for US to write to YOU! Won't that be FUN?!

Don't wait up,

Copyright© "Auntie Dote" & Heartless Bitches International ( 2008
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