Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...

May 24, 2005

...this one calls for the chop shop approach.

[Dear Auntie Dote]

Subject: if you post, please post WITH email address, I like feedback

"I like feedback," yeah, I'll bet. Sorry pal, but HBI isn't your ticket to a free dating service.

I was once a nice sweet guy, great sense of humor, a tad weird, and a self proclaimed romantic, I am 36 now, never had a true relationship, only had one woman in my life I ever truly loved.

You say you're 36?! I have news for you: "true love" is a two-way street. If you've never had a relationship, you may have adored from afar, you may have pined, you may even have stalked, but you haven't LOVED.

            I lived in Massachusetts all my life. And over the years in my search for the love of my life,

Early man migrated to find a mate. You uh...MAY want to look beyond a 300-mile radius from the spot where you were born.

 I have found that from the time of birth. Women have been told that men are pigs, scum, and jerks ect. On the other hand...women are supposed to be the sweeteest things, sensitive and caring, affectionate creatures.

And women just believe what they are told, do they? I don't suppose they would have any EXPERIENCE dealing with men. Nah. I hear feminism came from a test tube.

            I tried many tactics to entice a woman's attention, from personal ads, dating services, bars, dance clubs, book stores, supermarkets, you name it, I been there. Even the train, on the street.

Those aren't tactics, those are places where women are found. To use tactics, you require things like looks, talent, personality, character, money, and pheromones. Bright plumage works for many creatures in the wild. Have you tried sporting a headdress?

One thing has never changed, the wealth on SNOBBY women!

Oy vey. Silly me, I've already forgotten why it is we [sic] should want YOU.

            No matter where I been, the plan was simple...SMILE! And say "hello."

A simple plan, for a simple man. You might try some subtle attenuations of the voice, maybe even tailor your script to specific situations. A random greeting from a stranger can seem intrusive. The fact that you have one plan for every situation, a plan, I might add, that has NEVER worked (never yielded a relationship), makes me think you don't have a very refined sense of social nuance and appropriate behavior.

 In almost EVERY ENCOUNTER the result was... she ether (1) she completely iignored me, turned her head in the opposite direction than me, (2) she makes a sigh or a grunt in response, (3) or she gives a look that could most likely mean "how dare I say  'hello'" to her!

Well really, who are you to stop women on the street? You obviously aren't picking up on the signs, body language and the like, that indicate when attention might be welcome, or at least not rejected. You might need professional help with this. There are people who are born with less of an ability to pick up on and learn social cues. You might be one of them.

I want you to think about this: you are like the author who wants everyone to read his book, but then can't stand the reviews. Your strategy isn't WORKING. So CHANGE it. Don't persist for another 36 years, getting zero to negative results. This isn't about women being snobby or not. It's about pragmatic social interaction.

            Now I have been told I am negative, but how does me being negative EXCUSE these rude women of Massachusetts?!

Nobody said they're interested in you, that doesn't make them rude. I don't owe a friendly conversation to every drifter that walks up and says "hi". Talk about socially inept. Do you just walk up to women's tables in bars and sit down without being asked? Man, I hate that guy. He just smiles and smiles, oblivious to the fact that nobody ELSE is smiling, oblivious to the fact that his "charm" is perceived as a smug, inconsiderate and unwanted intrusion. Here's a tip, if you don't like the resistance, stop pushing. Try to attract women, instead of throwing yourself at them like a Mayan ingenue throwing herself over a precipice.

Another example you ask?

I didn't even ask you to write in the first place, remember? I see a pattern developing. Unwanted advances spawning even more insistent unwanted advances.

            I was at a news stand and I noticed a cute lady reading a woman's magazine... I noticed the article she was reading was entitled: "how to attract today's man" so I worked up my courage and said "hi there." She looked and me with blank eyes and went back to her magazine!

Sounds like an apocryphal tale, but eavesdropping on people's phone conversations and peeping over people's shoulders at what they're reading is actually rude. And intrusive. Just because you see WHAT she is reading doesn't mean you know WHY she is reading it. Or what she thinks of it. The first impression you make is that you don't respect people's privacy. I think HER body language told you that, but you refuse to listen.

            How about this one, I had to one day put change in parking meter 3 cute ladies walked towards me. did I say a form of greeting... you bet "hello" I said... one gal grunted. And all 3 kept walking. And I'll bet yyou money they were out for drinks later and someone had to have complained, "I just can't seem to find any nice men!" ahh if only she had said "hi!"

Well, you said they were cute, not smart. But the real issue here is that you are not OWED a "hello" from a stranger on the street! Get over it! Find a way to meet people based on common interests. Your approach is TOO RANDOM. It is not surprising that it does not work. You employ the "quantity" approach, you need to work on quality.

            I think you get the picture of what I have had to deal with in the past several years in my search for female companionship! You cannot honestly say it's all in my mind.

Nope, I'm sure it's real. I just don't think you are interpreting things correctly.

Now we have dating services out there ready to help...themselves all geared to help ONLY women...women get to co call phone chat lines for free...while men have to pay anywhere from $1.99 and up a minute. We have bars that offer "ladies night".

Why do you think they offer these economic incentives? To attract WOMEN to the club. To give the hordes of luckless losers some females to chat and date. And I don't know what you mean about free, the dating sites I've seen charge uniform rates to men and women. Suddenly, your issue has changed, it's now about economic unfairness. This whole stupid system is designed to HELP fools like you meet women, so quit your bellyachin'. And just keep in mind that the chicks you meet there didn't pay to see your ugly mug and listen to your fascinating conversation.

            We have dating clubs that women can join, no fees, and no obligations. While men have to come up with $2000+ in some cases!

That's pretty desperate.

            Now for some reason...some women are still complaining there iss no equality among the sexes! This much is are getting railroaded, rippeed off in the dating game big time!

...and yet voluntarily continuing to open their wallets. You get no sympathy from me. Do you want it to be fair, or do you want women to actually be in these designated idiot zones when you go there to seek them? Make up your mind, you can't have both.

            Of course you may argue, "Not all women are like this - ¦you're stereotyping all women on the acts of a hand full" ok, I grant you that one I only been single all my life and been looking for love for over 12 years.

Meaning what? This is your problem. What you need to do is study the strategies of SUCCESSFUL MEN. How do they manage to meet wonderful, cool women? (And I'm not talking about the "speed seducer" types.) Work on that. 12 years of failure is enough. Directing your animosity towards women is an excuse to avoid changing. Remember that one definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.

            Your right...some women are not that rude. Some women know thatt playing hard to get is a big mistake because they would be alone forever if they were that rude...they may know deep down they have to offer what they can. I been told I should LOWER my standards and look into dating these women, and so I did!

            Now mind you, as I lowered my standards, my goal became simple, find a woman I can ENJOY being with! Not too hard right?

What are your standards, exactly? I guess we are about to find out:

            Let me see if I can remember the women I met. Obese,

are you saying fat women aren't sexy? aren't kind-hearted? don't have character? don't accept you for who YOU are?


you should be so lucky.

looking to experiment, freaks with glow in the dark hair, body piercing and excessive tattoos,

"freaks," eh? Hard to imagine why that didn't work out.

one gal wanted kids MORE than a relationship, women who are more concerned with popularity than taking care of their friends who need them, one woman confessed before we met...on the phone that she had herpes. Ok that's enough. I want to be able to go to sleep tonight!

Poor widdle baby. And you were there shopping for your laundry list of likes and dislikes, just the like the rest of them.

            I just start laughing when women I don't like

Ah, so it is OK when you do it?

 start trying to give me guilt trip "maybe you should lower your standards" or " you shouldn't be so picky." As if I had NO RIGHT to be happy!

Please, you've just written me my "excuse" the next time some wanker just leans in to my personal space and leers, Hellooo!

            Now, for the record, am I bitter, yes, am I angry, no...I am diisgusted and disappointed. But I think you can see I have just reasons.

I think you are your own victim, and enjoying the role.

            As with all problems, before the solution can be found, there must be AWARENESS of the problem. I pray someone out there has been listening, it would be a crime to the word if the problem got worse, there is no place anymore for women who play hard to get.

You're right! We surrender! You've clubbed us senseless with your charm.

 When shy men are afraid to say "hello" or risk being accused of sexual harassment. Where women only talk to arrogant men and ignore the awkward guy in the corner. There are good men out there ladies, you just refuse to look and listen!

What is so "good" about you? Tell me, what are the traits that would make you a great boyfriend? So far you have indicated that you have a distinct inability to pick up on social cues, an over inflated sense of entitlement, double-standards, a distinct lack of self-awareness, a self-righteous attitude, a fixation on women's appearance (superficial), and a victim-mentality.

            Still, the "sexual invisibility" phrase resonates. It sounds like the same trait that lets teenage boys look in a fridge full of food and declare that there's nothing to eat, or lets a girl in a closet jammed with clothes insist she has nothing to wear.

Oh dear! You're not, uh...invisible, THERE, are you? Seriously, try looking like a grilled cheese sandwich or a pink tutu.

            Women, they want excitement, but fail to realize exciting and "dangerous" men are often irresponsible and self-serving.

Maybe not. Maybe some WANT excitement and danger. Then again, maybe some just want someone INTERESTING. Are you trying to say you AREN'T self-serving?

            They want their man to have money, but fail to realize that they need to give back in other ways to get that ( and no, I'm not talking about sex... they just need to be valuable to the man in the relationship).

God forbid women today should have their OWN money. *chuckle* Maybe you need to make yourself "valuable" to the woman -- don't just wander up and ask to be babysat.

            They want love and affection but think they're ENTITLED to it rather than realizing they will get as much as they give.

Entitled? Woah! Didn't you just talk about how you have the RIGHT to be happy? Who said? Where was that written in the book of life? You're just bitter that some girls are getting that love and affection from someone else. What everyone DOES have, is the right to self-determination, so get off the pity pot and determine yours.

Let me write a personal ad for you:

"Hello! Seeking gullible, snobby Women of the World for romantic walks on the street, newsstand lurking, ladies nights, and other great places to meet YOU! This hasn't worked for 12 years so the problem must be you. If only you'd see that the desperate, self-involved loser you are looking for is right under your noses. I can be trained, sorta! Will try to purchase your affection with valuable gifts of cappuccino and the occasional muffin. If only you could understand me for the lovable, friendly, outgoing being that I am. No bisexuals, fatties or freaks."

-Auntie Dote

Copyright© "Auntie Dote" & Heartless Bitches International ( 2000
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