Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

Disclaimer: This isn't an advice website. Yet from time to time we receive email asking for the Heartlessly Bitchy point of view. If you need serious medication, therapy or professional help, seek elsewhere. However, if you still insist on soliciting OUR advice, just remember...


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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...

Oct 24, 2007 (Trick or Treat)


I think I may have made your day...

I hate it when male--I mean mail--starts that way...

I am a female player.. that like being a female asshole?

yes I know but

*sigh* That one little word is like a forest fire. It can all start from one little BUT(T).

I will never settle for the 'metrosexuals'/alcoholics/workaholics/control freaks of today's society so I donít feel bad about my lifestyle choices.

I'm going to have to try to un-crazy this. I'm not sure what your starting point is. But it seems like you are trying to blame men, or something, for how you feel about the choices available to you.

Anyway, one of my guys I have been seeing

You sound awfully focussed on just this one guy.

for around a month is a manipulator type

HE'S a manipulator? You're funny.

and after reading your website I would like to have some fun with him

HBI is not a site about trying to deliberately fuck someone up. What is that if NOT manipulation? Slow down, player, and read the signs.

as he has already started showing signs which are:-


I'm sure playing with you could lead to a serious moodswing.

Constant calling

Um...let me just point out that you are writing to a website about HIM. That's YOUR valuable time. Look at how you are spending it--and on WHOM.

In other words, we seldom buy this, "he's obsessed with me" argument coming in this particular format of the anonymous e-letter. If he were REALLY obsessed with you you'd be too busy filing a police report to write to US.

Always have to know where I am

I'm sure that's fascinating information. (We think you secretly relish the attention, or else you'd cut him off.)

Disagreeing with things I think when I know he agrees with me really

Disagreeing with you IS kosher, isn't it? Or do your sex slaves have to call you "master," as well?

You seem to THINK you know an awful lot about him, considering you've known him for a month.

Mentioned his ex girlfriend

Mentioned? Just fucking mentioned? This isn't a capital crime. We all have histories. Besides, I thought you were a PLAYER, player. Surely you can take hearing about the competition, whether it's past or present. Lighten the fuck up, princess.

Wanting me to stop smoking/drinking

Maybe he cares about your health. But then I imagine you are not a very fun drunk, so his reasons may have been purely selfish.

And perhaps, just perhaps, the smoke from your stogies gets into his drapes and, try as he might, he just can't get the smell out. You know guys are just crazy about their window treatments.

Drunk dialling/texting

So do you want him to stop drinking, or dialing? *shiteating grin*

We want to make a radical suggestion: have you tried asking? If that doesn't work, there's telling. And then, there's not seeing him anymore. Options, A, B, C. Simple stuff, really. Problem solved.

Having said this he has a degree in Psychology

You don't need to capitalize it, smartie.

so he is no fool

You haven't convinced me of that, since he's mixed up with YOU. I'm only sticking up for him because you are such a treat. It is Hallowe'en.

but I haven't given an inch into his demands

Demands? That list doesn't look all that demanding. Demands is like: he DEMANDS that I stop seeing all my friends. He hangs up the phone when I'm talking to my family. He demands that I sign over my life savings to him. You are nowhere near being in a truly abusive relationship.

and after reading your website I won't...EVER!

Um...we, hope that you will read more carefully? We eschew ASSHOLES. Gender has nothing to do with it.

If you have any advise on how to pre-empt his manic behavior

Well, we can't control crazy letter writers like you, so there is little chance we can rope in your sexual underlings to do your bidding. YOU sound like you'd just love to have your own manipulative little paws on his remote control, or rather, you RELISH the extent to which you DO. You LOVE the fact that he's devoting all this attention to precious little you.

or generally f him up


Seriously, read the site again. WE ARE NOT A REVENGE CLINIC.

than please let me know and I will gladly keep you updated about his craziness and my reactions.

We are on pins and needles. Listen, we have real lives. We don't live vicariously via drips who fancy themselves players. Being independent and setting your own relationship parameters is a healthy part of what we do, and nothing you have said about being a "player" has anything to do with that. All the "manic" activity in your story is coming from you. We really don't need a tickertape update.

I deal with him at the moment by being irrational back, silent treatment and nodding yes dear and doing what I want anyway :-)

Yep. The asshole is you. Would you like us to send that as a text message? >;-D

This could be the start of a beautiful friendship...

Or a completely sick co-dependency. You are enjoying this WAY too much. You aren't even a player, you are a psycho. Once he wises up it will be GAME OVER.

if you would like more specific examples about past behaviour

If this were about what we want, you'd be sitting on your hands.

I am more than happy to elaborate as well.

That's obvious. You seem to have a deep need for attention.

They are quite something...think turning up at my house etc...etc...

Well, did you say NO or did you just say, "Yes dear?" Or was it that other genius move from your bag of tricks, the silent treatment?

If you're having a random sex thing with him, and you haven't SPELLED OUT the terms and conditions, I can't say that turning up at your house is that irrational. It all depends on YOU.


So? Have sex with him and SHUT UP. And when you're done, tell him to GO AWAY if that's what you want. Beyond doing those simple things to control YOUR LIFE (not other people), we really can't see how your choice of dramatis personae are any of OUR business.



You're welcome.


Copyright© "Auntie Dote" & Heartless Bitches International ( 2007
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