Date: Sun Mar 26, 2006
Subject: AuntieDote - My wake up call!
God, where to start?
"Dear Auntie Dote" is the standard form of address.
How 'bout 19 years ago when I was suckered into this relationship
in the first place!
It takes a sucker to play a sucker. You should be careful what you
are saying about yourself.
Raised by loving protective father,
So it's all daddy's fault...?
conned by handsome "something yummy"
This really turns my stomach. And again, what does this say about
you? Were we supposed to forgive you because, at the tender age of 19 (that's a
legal adult where I live, hardly a naive teen) you made judgments based on
superficial looks? It's really the word "conned" that bothers me
here. You keep blaming everyone but yourself for ruining your life.
who quickly got me pregnant(vasectomy obviously a LIE), married me
and made my life an emotional nightmare for far too long.
He lied to you...got you pregnant...and you thought it a great
idea to MARRY him? Honey, you signed the paper. You can't wake up from an
emotional nightmare if you aren't willing to get out of the bed.
I have a pretty strong personality and have managed to retain my
dignity and class,
More like "indignation" and "crass."
The only thing strong here is your denial of personal
responsibility. This screams victim, victim, victim. So that is self-centered
without self-awareness. You are mistaking this intense self-focus with
as well as most of my mind.
So far you have portrayed yourself as a mindless, coddled little
idiot who bounced around between daddy figures all your life.
The "MIND FUCK" thing worked really well on me though.
It seems like a perfectly ordinary fuck was enough to get you into
See four, yes four, pathetic attempts at divorcing his losing
Again...do you realize what kind of a self-indictment this letter
is? If you wrote me so I could tell you that, I'm happy to turn on the lights.
Finally I looked at the whole relationship and realised I had
absolutely no respect for him, no desire for him, received no mental
stimulation from him (he REALLY can't spell, or read for that matter) and and
You didn't marry him for the intellectual stimulation. You aren't
the cerebral type. So quit kidding yourself. You ate the whole box of cookies
and now you're saying they weren't your flavor. The person you should worry
about respecting is yourself. You don't seem to realize--yet--that by cutting
down his mental capacity, you are not making yourself out to be any Nobel prize
He would not change!
Forgive me for chuckling through my nose at that. HE would not
change...that's a laugh. You spent 20 years with him! You are a model of
He thought I needed to see a shrink because I was
"battling" with my emotions.
So far, he's the one coming up with all the good ideas here.
Of course, the fact that those emotions were the ones telling me
he was an all-round PRICK were the ones that he found most offensive.
OF COURSE that's offensive, from one's spouse. Why the hell should
he put up with it? Get thee to a shrink, or get thee outta here, is a
What I don't get is why you hung around long enough to inflict
that on him. Now you are trying to draw power out of humiliating him in front
of others. That doesn't make you any more powerful. It says a lot about you,
But what really got to me was that this pathetic, illigitimate,
illiterate, inferior little man had the unmitigated GALL to think that his old
"MIND FUCK" tricks would still work on me!
Well, why not? It's worked on you before. For 20 years. So it's
not so much his gall that surprises me. It's your outrage. Sounds like you were
waiting for a miraculous character change on his part. What on earth would have
given you any idea that that was forthcoming? Are you that reality challenged?
That pissed me off. And then he started begging - hello yes
BEGGING - for sex! PATHETIC!
Oh yes, sure, HE'S pathetic. And you, here, bragging that you
still have what daddy wants? Boring, pathetic. Your whole ego revolves around
this guy wanting in to your knickers.
There are now a few things that I have determined for myself.
Take your time.
I know what I want and I WILL NOT settle for anything less!
Anything less than what? You won't settle for anything less than
him? That's hardly a step up.
I will not be rude, crude or inconsiderate because that is beneath
You mean it is unladylike? You wrote to the wrong site. I have no
idea why you are concerned about others right now, the one to worry about is
YOU. Your "style" is to be walked on and to wear the victim label
with pride. You need a style makeover.
I WILL NOT BE BULLIED by anyone!
You sound like you've done your fair share of bullying. These
relationships usually are a fertile ground for bad behavior on both sides.
Don't tell me it was only him who raised his voice, made recriminations, etc.
If anything, you've made him out to be the sweetdick sugar daddy, and yourself
to be the psycho conflicted bully who stays with him anyway for the...see
I will not regret too much, I prefer to think of the whole sorry
saga as a "how not to" learning experience.
I think you should regret it, it was, according to you, a
tremendous waste of time. Or revise history, and decide that you got whatever
it was out of it that you were there for. But if you don't want that anymore, change
your life. You should regret it. Regretting a mistake is going to mean you
NEVER forget it and never repeat it. It really doesn't matter who conned you
into it. Regret your own complicity. Then CHANGE it.
Although he is pitiful, I WILL NOT relent on any of my demands out
Why are you still demanding anything from him? What is he the
source of, in your life, I don't understand this. Who are you, without him? If
he is pitiful, and you are making demands (?) of a pitiful person, then double
pitiful you. You need to get up, out, and onto your own two feet. You didn't do
it when you were 19, so you better get around to doing it now. I think this is
the real source of your pain.
I don't even know why we are talking about him. Next time sit down
and write me a letter that is just about you. Until you can write your own
story without him, this is hopeless.
I will treat him with the respect due to all humans (although he
only just makes the grade)
Hello? Excuse me? Who cares? Why do you care? Really, why are we
talking about treating all humans with respect? You need to become selfish in
the best possible way. Your ego has latched onto this notion that you're a good
person based on how you treat other people. But you are making all kinds of
excuses for why you've let yourself slide. You are not doing humanity any
favors, believe me.
AND I HAVE PRINTED, AND REPRINTED the pages on emotional abuse to
give to all my girlfriends who may be in a similar situation!
Whew. Yes, I hear they travel in herds. Again, with the helping
others...you are totally deflecting the message, right at the moment when you
need the most focus.
Move into an apartment with one of these girlfriends. Get a
lawyer, and forget about him. Make your life about you. You can not seem to
break out of the cycle. All the letters to HBI in the world are not going to
make this happen. We don't really care about your past. Create your future.
Become someone who has something else to say, other than, "I was conned
and suckered and have surrounded myself with idiots for most of my life."
The must arm themselves with knowledge against the manipulators
and abusers, be they male or female, and stand up for themselves.
Physician, heal thyself.
Resist manipulators/abusers! IT'S ONLY HARD THE FIRST TIME! After
that, being a heartless bitch comes easy.
*sucking teeth* Being a Heartless Bitch is never easy. What made
you think choosing the path of self-determination was going to be the easy one?
This is going to be painful for you. It isn't all spewing poisoned pen notes about
your victimized past, sure THAT is easy. What's hard is building a life, and
changing yourself. Not him. You. Have. To. Change.
Life begins at fourty - lookout world! Here I come!
The world isn't exactly fastening it's seatbelt, child. Page me
when you are 30 minutes out.
There is nothing about you in this letter, at least not what you
thought you were telling me about yourself. I see a lot of negatives and a lot
of blaming others. I'm really puzzled at what you thought I would say. Were you
expecting a pat on the back? HBI isn't a former victims club. You seem like a
dependent person who took the easy way out your whole life, and who is angry
about it now. I can't fix that for you. Neither can he. Neither can daddy.
Nobody can fix it but yourself. I recommend you quit spreading the gospel and
get to it.