Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...

Aug 29, 2007

Dear Auntie Dote,


I'm not the most emotionally driven person in the whole world but I recently graduated from college and I'm a little bit pissed off. I was hooking up with this guy, let's call him Mike.


Good choice!

He just got finished with this crazy tumultuous relationship with some crazy girl who stalked him day and night and would not leave him alone. Through all this I was the friend who was there for him (we had been good friends for two years) and tried to repair his broken relationship but to no avail. After they broke up I was put into an awkward position after he kissed me one night. That's when the horror started.


It doesn't sound horrible. It all really depends on what you want. Sounds like undercurrents of attraction were there and a long-term foundation. And the timing isn't wrong, they broke up, then he kissed you. Um...that IS the way it happened, RIGHT? You aren't fudging for the judges?


I got really analytical and continued to hook up with him for weeks after this incident..


So, kissing led to hooking up that first time? That's what I'm reading into this.

all the way up to the last night we were all in the same city together.


Wait a minute. WHAT? WE? ALL?

During this time, he had sex with at least 5 other girls but what could I say?


The question is what could you do? You didn't have to submit to being one of many if you knew about it. (Being In Total Control Honey refers to you having control over YOU.)


Although you could have said plenty. You know, talking, the part that comes BETWEEN the hooking up. Gotta remind you young people about these things archaic practices. I mean, you could have talked about your feelings, do you have feelings for each other? Sounds like you do, for him.

I was just some girl


No, you were a good friend for two years. Sure maybe you were a bounce on the rebound for him, but there's no reason a friend can't ask, this a bounce for you, or do have real feelings for me? Because we've been friends for a long time and I wouldn't want to damage that, or, if we go this route I'm going to develop deeper feelings for you, or whatever. Just some sample scripts, you have to write your own of course.

and I didn't really have claim to him


You have claim to yourself. Take care of you. Don't expect someone else to do it!

 plus I didn't want to cause more drama after the fiasco that was his past one year relationship.


Yeah, but you DESERVE to be taken seriously, right? If not by him, then by some man? And if he's your friend, wouldn't he care about how you FEEL? You don't have to just be a sexual nurse to this guy. Don't YOU matter?

All I want to do is yell at his dumb face and tell him I hate him for doing this to me.


Well, sadly, these are the fruits of not talking to him about YOUR feelings sooner. But that's on your tab, unfortunately. I mean sure, he might have thought to consider the situation too. He does sound like he was being pretty self-centered. But don't you see, by not wishing to cause "drama" you've put yourself in just the position to create some?

Why do I have to be the one that's hurt? He doesn't seem to care and everytime I talk to him he seems more and more distant.


Said consequences on said frienship; you've learned a valuable lesson about unthinkingly taking such steps which can complicate a relationship. He's not some guy you just picked up at a bar that you don't want to go "too fast" with, he's someone you've listened to bitch about HIS problems for at least a year. You seem to be worried about placing burdens on him, but friendship is a two-way street. You can't be afraid to bring up your own problems.


Now, if it turns out he's not a listener, then another sad lesson. This guy may not be much of a friend. I have to say that his treatment of you doesn't seem to indicate that he was at all worried about what might happen to you or your friendly relationship. Maybe he is just in crisis and out of control (it sounds like it). And dear, you have to look at his dating history. It takes two to make a crazy relationship last a year or more. So he isn't Mr. Stable to begin with.


I should also add that having 6 partners at one time is a LOT and you should also consider YOUR health. Even with safer sex there are risks. So being with anyone who has a lot of partners and enters into relationships that quickly can exponentially increase your risk of contracting STDs. It's not a moral concern (really), just a reminder that behavior has consequences and you are living in an adult world. Think of it as another reason to be honest about your emotions. Good communication and honesty are not only great for good sex, they are essential to protecting your health, too. Fucking people you can't discuss your feelings with isn't the best idea you've come up with all year.

I feel like I'm the only one who's sad that I probably will not see him for another year and it sucks.


Yeah, I know. There is not much you can do but rent a movie and make some popcorn. Start doing other things with your life to get your mind off it.

but then he turns around and buys me earrings for graduation. STOP FUCKING WITH MY HEAD.


Well, it sounds like you two really need to TALK and CLEAR THE AIR. That sounds like he DOES value your friendship and probably didn't consider the problems that might arise when you slept together. He may feel sorry about it and doesn't know what to tell you. And he's not the ONLY one he didn't know what to say or how and when to say it, so don't judge him too harshly.

Either tell me you don't like me or be nicer. I hate you.


I might say the same to you. Don't go getting all bipolar on me, it's too self-pitying. He doesn't have to do what you want, i.e., be "nicer" to you--sounds like by that you mean, you would like him to really LIKE you as more than a friend. Well, why don't you just tell him THAT? Without some drama, life is lifeless. Submerging your feelings just to get the guy obviously didn't work. You left him so unruffled, he barely noticed you. If you don't want to place him before an ultimatum, just say you feel like the friendship has changed or gotten confusing and you'd like to work it out so you're comfortable with each other again.


I mean, you have to make a decision first, is it worth it to find out? Can you see staying just friends with him, or is it all or nothing? If you're comfortable facing the possible outcomes, I don't see what you have to lose.






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