Auntie Dote is HBI's answer to the usual, treacly, self-help advice columnists.

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Ask Auntie Dote
The Auntie Dote for what ails you...

Jan 30, 2006

(Dear Auntie Dote),

I have had a few bad relationships, but the last one took the cake. I thought I had met Mr. Wonderful. The first month seemed just fine. He came on like Mr. Businessman, that has money and a couple of houses. He was divorced and he was treating me well during the first month. Although he came strong with dreams for both of us, I did not mind, becuase I did find him rather attractive.

He went on and on about how he thinks he loves me within the first 3 weeks, and how he wanted to have a baby with me. He came into my family situations real quick. Things happened fast.

And you loved it. It played to your ego. Why wouldn't you? Thus far, you're human.

 After the first month things started changing. He was suddenly in financial trouble due to some business ventures,

All sounds very vague, doesn't it? There's trusting, and then there's only hearing what you want to hear.

and becuase he was so depressed and stressed out I decided to lend him some money, 4000 dollars to be exact.

Did he ASK you? Did he hint? You just volunteered? Honey, I hate to tell you, but if he needed money for a business venture, that's what banks are for.

He seemed to need it in order to do something with his buiness.

You didn't even bother to find out *what*? Well, once you give him money you are in business with him, no matter what you call it. And if you are too dumb to find out where your investment is going, if and when you are likely to be paid back, etc., then you are just a poor, dumb investor. I emphasize poor.

He said he would give it back in 8-10 days and was really happy that I lent him the money.


10 days passed,and so did several months, and finally I asked him for the money.

You waited THAT long? Honestly, dear, your lack of curiosity is killing me.

He said he will try to get it, but he is in a real bad situation right now and the goverment has seized all his bank accounts, and that he will be appearing in court in 1 month.

And why would that be?

After the court appearance, everything would be fine. His accounts would be released and he would pay me back.

Yeah. That's how things work in the real world. (Right!) None of this makes *any* sense, sweetie.

Meanwhile during that time, he told me he sold his house, and that he was staying at his cousins appartment for a while, until the court issues would be cleared . I found out he had been lying to me.

Yes, little bulb. Someone finally opened the refrigerator, huh?

He was living with his ex wife.

Also known as a "wife." (living with her...married...I'll bet no ink ever dried on a divorce certificate with this guy.)

When I confronted him, he denied it, and when I told him that I have the address (because his ex found my number and called me to tell me he is living there), he had no choice but to adimit it. He said he wanted to tell me, but he did not know how to say it. He claimed he is in a bad financial situation and he is just staying there temporarily, and also it is easy to see his son. He said he has no relations with his ex, that he never loved her, and married her because she got pregnant. She says otherwise.

And whom do you believe, Little Violet? What makes *sense*, out here in the real world? Her story, or his? Why would you want to love the guy if his story were remotely true? (Although that he never loved her, in the case of a sociopathic con artist, may very well be true.)

When I found all this out, I offered him to come and stay with me if he needs a place to stay,

Why? Whywhywhywhywhy? What does this guy have on his penis, honeyed gold dust?

just to see if he would, and he did not.

LIAR. We don't believe you. We think you would have taken him in with open arms.

He said it is easier for him to be downtown, cause he has stuff to do and people to meet during the day. I do not live far from downtown by the way.

Still no lights going on in the tiny little icebox of your brain, huh?

He kept claiming that everything will change after the court date. At this point I was suspicious,


being rooked and lied to by your con man boyfriend: $4000

being the last to know:  priceless

I asked if I could go to court with him, (just to see if there was ever a business and a scheduled court appearance). He accepted, except when the court date came, he changed it on me and told me he already went yesterday, and that he did not have time to call me becuase he mixed up the dates and he was stressed out about the situation.
I was furious, but kept playing along.

Sure, Polly Pockets.

He said it was not over and they will issue another court date to finish this case. He said he did not know when the date would be, and that his lawyer would notify him of the next date. His accounts were still seized.

All of this shit is verifiable. You behave like a child at his mercy.

 Meanwhile he kept saying, after all this is over, he wants to make me happy, and that  I will get my money back. He want his life with me, and that we will have a baby and be happy together. During this time, he kept asking me for more money.

SWEET JESUS! How dense are you?

Once he asked me for 3000 dollars to pay his lawyer. Of course by now I was wise. I was not going to give anymore money to a guy that did not pay back the first loan. I claimed that I don't have much money, that I live alone and I have too many expeneses.

Can't believe you didn't tell him to see you in small claims court. Why all the subterfuge?

He asked me to pull it out of my credit card. I said I can't.

Why are you even still talking to this ass, and not calling the police? They probably have a file on him. He's wanted somewhere; but for ditzes like you, there wouldn't have to be one more vic on his rap sheet.

A few weeks later he asked me to give him 10,000 dollars, that he would play the 4-EX (foreign exchange) and that if I give him 10 grand, he would return a total or 17,000 to me in 6 months. Of course I did not give it.

You know how these guys work? It's a patsy scheme and the money rotates around. He's working some other women at the same time. Your money helped him woo some other chick, and her money helped him woo the next one, and so one.

He kept saying that I am his only hope right now,

What is he, a loser? Ya think?

and that if I help him, I would see many things from him.

I've seen enough.

Of course I had my guard up and found every excuse I could not to give it to him.

Why not a swift kick in the groin? I don't understand why you are making EXCUSES rather than cutting this off. You really must have doormat tattooed on your forehead.

In between all this, he kept asking me for 100 dollars here and there for little things. Sometimes I would give it to him because I felt bad for him.

WHY? WHY would *you* feel bad for *him*? Just embracing your victimhood, aren't you. Now I see why he kept hanging around. You were baiting the hook with stupid.

On top of that after the first month of dating, he had no money and I was paying almost everything, including an outing with his good friend that came here from overseas. That outing cost me 500 >>> dollars.

You really have no excuse, the red lights were flashing and the bells and whistles were going off like mad. You must be in real danger at railroad crossings.

They say that courtship sets the pattern for the relationship, and people's behavior then is the *best* that it's ever going to be. You need to adopt puppies or something, penniless men are too dangerous for you to pick up off the street as a hobby.

It got to a point where I could not take this anymore.

Yeah! *rolling eyes* And why not wait until the point where you just can't take it anymore, rather than nipping an unhealthy relationship IN THE BUD.

He was even lying about stupid things, I caught him various times.

It's an illness. It's called pathological lying.

 I think I was not performing well at work and got lost my job becuase of him and all the stress he caused me.

He caused you. That's a laugh. Way to deny any responsibility for yourself here, Denise. Sounds like you are swirling rapidly down the same shithole as your boyfriend.

When I lost my job, a month ago, he told me that it is just a job and that I would find something else. After losing my job, he asked for 10 grand again, saying that we now can make money in the 4EX. How dare he ask me for money after I lost my job????


I for my 4 grand back after I lost my job, that I needed it and he said he will try, but he did not get it. He tells me now that his court date is Jan. 18 and after that day I will get all my money back and more for being such a nice and caring woman.

As a reward for good behavior? That's nice. Not like because it's YOUR MONEY. Go to the police. I am so not kidding.

I finally worked out enough nerve to tell him that I can't do this anymore, and that he should return my money in a week or I will take other measures to get my money. It was hard, because besides what I have writtten above, there were many good times and good moments.

You paid richly for them.

He called me today saying that he can't get the money, but after Jan. 18 he will have it all. He claims he got a job and that he will try to pay me back slowly in the meantime.

At the very least, hire a private detective. That will at least clear up all these mysteries for you. But seriously, quit wondering and go to the cops, you are being played like a victrola.

I asked him for court documents to prove to me that he is due to appear in court on Jan. 18 or else I will not wait for the money another 2 months.
He said that he will call his lawyer tomorrow and that he will meet me and show me the docs.

QUIT NEGOTIATING WITH THIS GUY. It's part of his con game, stalling for time.

Also he said that he loves me and the he will show me good things, and that he wants to do everything to make me happy.

You really need us to tell you how to evaluate that?

He says he never would take advantage of me, a woman that helped me and that he is not an asshole or a bad person.

And his word is worth...?

My question is, what do you think of this?


He's not your main problem. You are.

I don't know what to believe anymore, I think he is taking me for a ride,


and sometimes I just think he is in a bad situation and I really feel bad for him.

You have some sick need to feel like a helper. Pity strokes your ego. That's not love, that's not friendship. You are nurturing a very sick self-image.

Besides all of the above, I have given him a laptop as a present.

There aren't words for how irresponsible you are. How deep is your denial?

His wife claims he is a gambler

Now that's plausible. That's another good reason to con a string of ladies for their life savings.

and that he sold the laptop. He says he gave it to his son, and that he is not a gambler, and that his ex-wife is nuts and that she is trying to ruin his life.

Oh yeah. And that MUST be right...His "wife" you said above, I think that's true, don't you? If he's living with her, don't you think maybe you should cut all ties with him? Get some dignity, woman.

But it is funny... I went to the casino with him one night and even the coffe boys knew him, and yes I forgot to mention he asked me to pull out 1000 dollars so we could gamble, becuase he felt lucky..... of course I did not....hmmm.

This is a funny story, Denise.

Two choices. Quit letting yourself be used, or SHUT THE FUCK UP about it. We don't care if you throw your life savings away. It seems obvious what's going on, even to you, so I guess that must be what you want to do with your life. Says a lot about how empty you are inside if giving money and attention to someone who lies and steals from you makes you feel full inside. Sick likes sick, you know what I mean?


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