August 25, 2002
I happened to read Brian Gulledge's 'nice guys' article, together with much
of the similar material on your website, and while I agreed with most of its
content, a few parts left me somewhat confused. I asked the author about
this and he replied, but I'd like to hear your opinion as well on a few
Basically, his advice was 'love women... respect them, enjoy their
conversations'. HBI says 'women are people, not potential sex-on-a-stick'.
This is of course common sense, and in theory, the model by which all
civilized humans should behave.
In practice, however... to consider a girl you like an equal and a friend is
great, but chances are you will end up friends and nothing more.
You can hold deep, meaningful conversations, be a perfect gentleman, respect her,
allow her freedom, and ultimately watch her go out with other guys, knowing
that yours will be the shoulder she comes to cry on whenever Mr. Current
Boyfriend turned out to be a jerk.
It's always good to have a good friend, whether male or female, but what if
you've started to develop feelings for this person? What if you're
interested in more than just having another drinking buddy? If on the other
hand you act confident and try to steer in the direction of 'something
more', you are of course a sleazebag who just wants to get in her pants. It
starts to look like romance and an honest, communicative relationship are
mutually exclusive, but surely that can't be right.
I'm confused here. It seems like a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't'
situation. So I guess in the end my question is: If you've fallen in love
with someone, how do you proceed to let her know and hopefully reciprocate
(or at least make her feelings clear), without being a wimp, a manipulator,
or ending up 'just friends'?
Maybe I'm missing something obvious, I don't know. Hope I wasn't too
confusing, and any advice would be appreciated. Thanks :)
I used to complain about my lack of romance. I'm talking romance, not sex. You know sharing obnoxious moments and enjoying them together. Living the whole hand in hand in some far gone land scenario. Then I became more desperate and complained about the absence of any semblance of physical sexuality in my life (ughh this sounds like a fucking dissertation ). Then I became obsessed with the life will happen tomorrow ideology. I would pathetically imagine some future fling. I began to wonder why lord why am I a twenty one year old virgin? Then it hit me! You have to talk to people! This novel concept for some reason had avoided me. I was too enamoured with the hollywoodisms of the vibe, destiny, true love and instant gratification. I was expecting some girl to notice me by the punch bowl at the school dance. I was expecting people to notice my significance from a mere glance. That's not the way of the world. So I began my vocalizations.
Once I was talking to the "fairer" sex (I kind of hate that term) I began the countdown. First date and I'm on my way to the puntang palace (this juvenile terminology demonstrates my mindset). Then I waited........ and waited. Never attaining my room at the "Puntang Palace". Why was this? Hmmmmmm.... I'm not bad looking I have anything but a weight problem. So I delved into psychiatric literature on human sexuality in a desperate attempt to figure out my problem. Then another revelation occured to me: Women aren't whores. Not that I ever thought they were but that was my mindset. Realizing instant gratification is about as likely as being hit by lightening , unless I had some serious cash to shell out I took on a different mental perspective. Treat relationships with humility and stop falling in love with everyone. Just because a girl says hi doesn't mean she wants to screw your brains out.
I am sick of men and women jabbering about "true love". I've heard this term used to describe almost every boyfriend / girlfriend my relatives have had. I grew tired of terms like , "this is the one" , "we understand each other" , "he's my true love". Only to be replaced with terms like "bitch " and "bastard" . I finally realized that I was just as obnoxious envisioning marriage and stability with people I hardly even knew. It's all about getting to know people and treating them with decency. Though never losing sight of the fact that there are people out there who still cling to some arcane notion of prince/princess charming and that you'll be hurt. You'll be hurt sometimes. Live with it and move on. You're probably not going to win her/him back. Give it up. You'll only end up appearing pathetic if you pursue your "true love". No never means yes. There are over six billion people on this earth. Several billion of whom are adults. Half or so of those are of the opposite sex. Do yo
u know how much a billion is? It would take a good portion of your life to count to a billion : given you didn't sleep . Over twenty years. Or in other words there are other fish in the sea(cheesy redundant term alert). Go swimming.