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The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you

Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

November 28, 2002


Iam from India and Ive a problem and I dont know if it is common or not. I fell in love with a girl and was dumped.....twice within a period of three years. There was no reason except that she says it was not my fault but her situation was so. Iam unable to move on with my life for fear that should she pop up again I'll be in a "moth in the flame" kinda thing. I can dwell on the romantic/emotional stuff but I know you guys wouldnt be interested in that kind of thing. To make matters interesting she is going to get married. My questions to you are
1. Are there other suckers out there like me who fall twice for the same girl and get screwed?
2. Is there ever a woman who should be treated as a princess or are they all manipulative/self centered?
3. What is wrong with me? Finding a girl is not that hard for me but keeping is.

Looking for a Princess

Dear Looking
1. Yep, lots, both male and female. If you believe what you're told and let yourself go emotionally after being burned once, you're really kind of asking for it. It's hard to be emotionally careful when you already have feelings for someone, but if you're going to try to get BACK together with someone, you should be a lot more cautious. It's hard though, and I daresay many people have had that type of experience.

2. Princess? Well, some women would like to be treated like a princess, but it's not something we at HBI admire. There's an inequality in "princessing" and also a flavor of male ownership that we just find very chafing, not to mention ridiculous. A princess is the only one who matters in a relationship. In MY opinion, both parties and the relationship should matter. A better question is why are you looking for a princess? (someone who wants to be handed everything and who doesn't think of you as much as herself). This is not to say that both parties can't take care of, spoil, and gift one another, but it should never be always one person giving and doing for and changing for the other, and that's what a princess wants. Why would you want that? I had a young friend from India, who had similar difficulties (though over the internet, which made it much worse, as he was corresponding with a young American girl who sounded positively dreadful to me.) and I know that the cultural roles of men and women can make the issue much more difficult.

3. I will tell you the same thing that I told my young friend. You need to let go, especially since in your case the woman in question is getting married. As far as it being "her situation" and not a flaw in you, she may have been trying to be kind to you, let you down easily; not encourage you to "wait around" in any sense at all. Maybe SHE wanted a more equal relationship. Being treated like a "princess" is to be put on a big pedestal and not to be considered equally in the relationship. Maybe she wanted more. Or maybe you just weren't ultimately compatible. It does happen. Either way, I'm sorry, but you MUST move on. Whether the sexist "princessy" stuff is "what's wrong with you" or whether there is something else going on, I've no way of knowing. A princess is not a person to those who want them, they are a prize to win or lose, someone to please without regard to self. That is not HEALTHY, and it suggests that you don't have a lot of confidence in yourself in terms of being interesting and deserving (NOT demanding) to have things "given" to you, to be considered. I would suggest getting some interests going, whether school or hobbies, friends or whatever, and really work on what makes you happy and complete in yourself, then when you meet up with a great woman who has similar interests...hey, you just never know.

Don't lose hope, and realize that by looking for a "taker", you'll probably find one, just not one who will stick around for the long haul. Good luck.


Copyright© Bonnie & Heartless Bitches International ( 2000
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