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The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you

Despite our best efforts to dissuade you, many of you have still decided to write to us with your problems, complaints and crises of the moment. We don't have a trained therapist on staff, and this isn't "Dear F*ckin' Abbey", but we DO have Bonnie, who has graciously volunteered her time and heartless perspectives in order to minister to (or macerate) the misguided, with "Dear Fuckin' Bon..."

Oct 17, 2002

Ok .

I have had a reaaly hard time finding a web site that can help me with this problem. My oldest son is getting married. He has asked his half brother to attend the wedding. This is a son I have not seen nor talked to his entire life. I allowed his father to raise him. How do I deal with this.

1. I am not sorry for the decission I made. He had a great father.
2. I am tired of the shame and guilt of the whole thing.
3. I have now been married 32 years, and do not wish to parent or grandparent anyone. I have just gotten my grandaughter to the age of 17.... opps.. yes, I bit the bullet and raised her.


Dear Abbi,

1. I don't buy this, and based on #2, neither do you.

2. Too bad. I hear you that you don't want to deal with this, but it seems to me it's well past time. My advice is that since you have two sons you're going to have to deal with it eventually anyway, and I recommend that you call your younger son ahead of time, apologize and see whether he wants to deal with you (he may not), and if it seems necessary, either talk with him before or make arrangements to talk after the wedding. Hopefully you two can agree to leave any drama and pain out of your older son's wedding day, but you can't just pretend your younger son doesn't exist. Are you trying to hurt him as much as humanly possible? Yes, he may be angry and reject you, but he may need to do that to heal and that is one responsibility you DO have to the child you brought into the world. (He may also be really glad that you didn't raise him, but regardless of his reaction, it's not your right to pretend he doesn't exist, and you will continue to have the guilt and shame until you deal with it.)

3. I hardly know what to do with this last statement. This is not all about YOU. I don't understand why you think that a child who you abandoned but who has a "great father" is going to come up to you and want you to play mommy anyway. He's more likely to not want to acknowledge you at all, but I think you know that and that's really what you fear. In the meantime, you aren't ever "done" parenting, and no matter what you do or don't do with or for your children, you still gave birth to them, though it sounds as though you were a "better" parent to your granddaughter.

My advice: Deal with it, and deal with it now. The guilt and shame are making you nuts (not to mention stupid). You can't feel good about abandoning a child, but you can start to build now. It would be too easy to make assumptions about your circumstances and stability when you parted from your younger son, or how you ended up raising your grandchild (didn't give that older son a lot of stability either?). I think your "concern" about raising anyone else is unfounded though, unless everyone involved is still so unstable that you think they'll turn up with more unwanted babies. In that case you'll just have to look at your emotional and financial resources and weigh that against the guilt of not giving the first kids what they needed to not perpetuate the cycle. My biggest hope is that your younger son really does have a great father, and maybe a good step-mom as well, so that the entire family can become more stable. In the meantime, suck it up and deal with the fact you have a younger son, and do it in a way that doesn't ruin your older son's wedding.

Oh, and for heaven's sake, get some real help and stop looking for bandaids on internet sites. You may be able to google links for non-custodial mothers or something akin to that, but please find an actual support group or counseling information near you.

Copyright© Bonnie & Heartless Bitches International ( 2000
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