October 21, 2001
Dear Fuckin' Bon,
THe reasons for my letter is that I'm hoping you could give me advice on not being nice.
This is my Diary!, (not so nice girl)
Then I was made fun when I called the manager by the wrong name. It was a mindnumbing 5 hours for me.I made a mistake, opps.
"D" was beside me so in her vain little head she made a joke, "What, did you say? "D" suddenly let out a loud butt ugly laugh; "J" joined in. But it wasn't an inviting laugh.It was condescending and mean and I wanted to know what the big deal was. In my head I said "ok let's move on now!"I grabbed my head with my hands and apologized to the manager with a smile so I wouldn't seem so serious. So as I sat down I told a fellow employee that I wanted to box "D." PUNCH HER HARD!I had enough of her, from day 1 she was a bitch to me. Whenever we made eye contact,there was something in the eyes that said "bite me"!
"R"s article cracked open some of my old fashioned sentiments on what it means to be nice;for instance niceness not necessarily means moral or innocent.
I really, really want to shake this NICE GIRL HABIT. I'm really pissing myself off by staying quiet and cheery on the outside.
Its fine to smile but as my day progress there is always some smart ass who gives me a quip and insult( at my expense); I feel helplessly goofy.Instead of talking back or making a joke at the same level as theirs; I just complancently fake a laugh and smother the comments internally.
This passivity rewarded me with thoughts of punching the wise cracker out; I am left with anger and then helplessness.
Deep down inside, I know that I'm smart, witty and I can't always let it show with niceness. Never has acting nice and complacency made me as unhappy as I am now.Right now, I just want to be a bitch ,one who can send a joke and stand up for herself at the same time. How do I handle situations and ease out the bitch in me and let people know when I am upset.
Not So Nice Inside