September 3, 2002
Subject: Fucking Long Letter
I've been reading the HBI site a LOT in the last few weeks. It sets my mind at ease a lot of times. A friend of mine recommended it to me as "one of the sanest places on the net".
I read the "nice guys" section especially. I learned a lot about my exboyfriends from those articles, and a suprisingly large number of things about myself. Well maybe not suprising. I think something must have clicked last year...i got out of this relationship ...i sort of leeched off a guy who was rebounding and i was pretty lonely,too. I used to do this gross thing where i'd like a guy who thought i was pretty. It made me feel all "in love" and sappy and devoted, and then when it ended 5 short months later, i would feel drained.
i'll spare you the tedious explanations of my dating past, but recently i met a guy who i felt was finally something i could deal with...we can have our own lives, our own friends, and he's the first guy i didn't fall for because we had "like interests" or a "kinship in fucked-upness" or "because he really wanted a girlfriend and he thought i was pretty". I remember how i used to say "wow i'm so happy all us ex dorks found each other. now we can be happy." now that just seems so naive to me.
I met my current boyfriend after thinking "god i really don't want to fucking repeat that bullshit all over again. i don't have the energy." I called it chain-dating. Lighting the new one with the old one. I was one of those "using" women who preyed on desperate guys, but because i needed them to fill the gap in my self esteem. i did that thing where you try the same method over and over again, hoping for a different result. I am beginning to recognize just HOW i've brought this all on myself.
My current boyfriend has given me a mixed lesson. i guess this is the source of my problem, and my reason for writing to you. (i promise i'll make a point...i'm just trying to give you background information that might be helpful)
I'm happy to have a guy who is realistic about sex. I don't have a horribly huge sex drive, and i'm glad to meet someone who isn't saying "come ON, why don't you LIKE it? does THIS feel good? whats wrong with you?" or "yeah right i don't think we'll ever have sex. i think if you REALLY trusted me, we would have done it by now." its refreshing to be taken seriously. Its also refreshing to be treated like a person instead of "the woman portion of this relationship." He's also one of those people that excels at kindness, but isn't "nice" and "unoffensive". He'll always be honest. And i am glad, because then my blunt honesty can come out, when my blunt honesty usually pissed guys off before. i remember one of the HBI quotes where it says "but what do you think about ME?" and the HB says "you misunderstand. i don't THINK about you." thats the way he sees things. My one friend says "does houdini hate me? he never talks to me" and i always tell them, "no i'm sure he isn't concerned ! with you at all, actually."
but houdini also has a few puzzling traits. He doesn't talk much. He is very much a "purist" and doesn't think most things that people have to say are too important. he says that sometimes i'm annoying and i talk too much about things that he doesn't feel are important enough to respond to, even if i want a response. It really burns me up that i'll get done talking about something, and he'll just sit there like i never said a word. Maybe i should just get over myself. I think that might be the answer. but here's something that always sends my mind into a whirl of vascillation. He tells me that i should talk less, and that would be beneficial to everyone in general. but for me to ask him to talk MORE would be too demanding...that he'd only be doing it to please me. So somehow, me changing is more urgent then him changing. i feel this is sort of unequal, but i could be wrong. I could be just suffering from some ridiculous self serving bias. its just that i always figured that h!e was a quiet person and i was a talker. But that people in relationships have to try to make some compromises. I guess i'm just not compromising enough. A lot of times, despite my best efforts to understand both sides, i end up coming out as the bad person anyway. Maybe he is right...maybe i should just shut up already. I mean, look how long this email already is. and i'm barely done.
I used to really really worry that i'd never be married and that all my ex boyfriends will be married and smile to themselves that they always knew i was too fucked up to be loved by anyone for real. Why do i even care what these people think?
I'm confused because i think i've changed a lot, but in some areas i'm still a codependent weakling.
on a side note (but still kind of relevent) i write music and play piano and sing. My songs usually have too many words according to some listeners (i'm detecting a pattern here) or the choruses aren't catchy enough, or the tempos are too slow. And that i'm a whiney chick, no matter what i try to do. My critics and even some of my friends tell me that i might be better off resigning myself to the cute chick rocker look instead of doing things my own way...because the way i want it is the impossible ideal. But i continue to play at bar open mikes where my style is horribly out of place, where people don't pay attention to me...etc. Because i think that at some point, this behavior will be worth it. Because i know its the right thing to battle the fakeness in the music industry. Maybe i won't get rich off of it, but i hope that maybe i'll get to know what it feels like to play piano on a stage and sing and have the pleasure of good acoustics. My songs aren't about broken up an!d lost loves. Some of them are about relationships, but the majority of my songs are about other things....doing what you want regardless of people telling you that you'll fail, the rights of human beings to be human, my brother joining the marines and various opinions associated with the popularization of "september 11"...my friend compared me once to a riot chick combined with club-scene tori. I wouldn't go that far, but i guess i'm out for a rougher more androgynous, less self absorbed look at popular music.
WOW i got off on a tangent. Anyway, i'm one confused little girl, desperately seeking approval from everyone. my insecurities mask themselves in academic and creative accomplishments, so i come off as confident to the superficial viewer. But anyone who gets to know me...especially boyfriends...soon realize that i am an energy leech. I think i'm really not attracted to whimpy guys anymore...but i know i'm not completely "all better" because now that i find confident people attractive, i tend to think they are better people than i am. And that i should learn by their example.
Maybe i don't need advice. I almost half wish one of the HBs would post this on a "whiney princess" page and rip the letter apart. I'm not really a masochist. But i think you guys have a lot of good things to say and i'd be interested in your opinion if you feel like giving it.