Active Columns:

Mar 21, 2010 - Deja Vu
Mar 28, 2010 - SeizurePalooza
Oct 18, 2009 - Born to Run
Oct 12, 2009 - Give it a Rest
Oct 2, 2009 - ...Bitch on a Budget
May 12, 2009 - The Brazilian
Feb 14, 2009 - My date with "Adam"
Feb 6, 2009 - Valentine's Day? BAH!
Feb 2, 2009 - Won't get Fooled...
Jan 14, 2009 - Here Kitty Kitty...
Jan 12, 2009 - On The Mend
Dec 12, 2008 - A Not-So-Merry Christmas
Dec 8, 2008 - Ivan's Move
Nov 30, 2008 - Quick Update
Nov 7, 2008 - And God Says...
Nov 6, 2008 - It's Not Looking Good...
Sep 24, 2008 - Shake Hands With The Devil
Sep 23, 2008 - It's Just Like Paris
Sep 17, 2008 - Memoirs of a Catholic...
Sep 16, 2008 - Suicidal Tendencies
Sep 15, 2008 - Fat is a Feminist Issue
Sep 14, 2008 - Get Me Out of Here
Sep 13, 2008 - Living with the 'rents
May 20, 2008 - I'm Not Dead Yet
May 19, 2008 - PSA
Apr 29, 2008 - Are You There God?
Apr 14, 2008 - Frightening the Neighbors
Mar 17, 2008 - The Border
Mar 10, 2008 - The Vibrator
Oct 8, 2007 - Ivan the Terrible
Sept 20, 2007 - Depression?
July 19, 2007 - An Update
July 3, 2007 - A Good Catch
March 26, 2007 - Crushed
March 19, 2007 - Adieu le feu
March 12, 2007 - Taking a Chance
Feb 26, 2007 - Biological Clock
Oct 16, 2006 - Determination...
July 15, 2006 - The Puppy
July 10, 2006 - The Gastroenterologist
July 8, 2006 - The Neurology Ward
Nov 21, 2005 - Who Would You Do?
Nov 14, 2005 - Shaved Pussies
Nov 7, 2005 - Avoidance
Sep 26, 2005 - love, kindness, missed chances
Aug 2, 2005 - Geoff the Entomologist
Aug 1, 2005 - Revenge
May 11, 2005 - Going for it
May 21, 2005 - The Green Thumb
Apr 22, 2005- Barry Again
Apr 21, 2005 - The Rectal Syringe
Apr 18, 2005 - Butterflies of Love
Apr 17, 2005 - No escape
Apr 10, 2005 - Meeting Colin Farrell
Oct 17, 2004 - Oops, I've done it again
Oct 21, 2004 - Lust
Oct 30, 2004 - Of Mice and Men
Nov 5, 2004 - What the FUCK...?
Oct 12, 2004 - The US Election
Oct 11, 2004 - MegaCleanse
Oct 5, 2004 - Life Sucks
Jul 8, 2004 - The Horoscope
Jun 15, 2004 - Seven Deadly Sins
Apr 24, 2004 - Going Out
Feb 24, 2004 - Tails
Jan 24, 2004 - The Decorator
Aug 25, 2003
July 18, 2003
July 17, 2003
July 16, 2003
May 19, 2003
May 18, 2003
May 17, 2003
May 16, 2003
May 1, 2003
Mar 10, 2003
Jan 25, 2003
Jan 24, 2003
Jan 23, 2003
Apr 30, 2002
Apr 30, 2003
May 29, 2002
May 12, 2002
May 18, 2001
January 10, 2001
December 11, '00
April 17, '00
The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you

Valentine's Day? - Bah!


February 6, 2009

Iíve always hated Valentineís Day.Even when I was a little girl and all the other little girls were planning their weddings, Iíd be off picking fights with the boys somewhere.But how the other girls would swoon when the 14th rolled around.I donít remember ever doing that.Or planning a wedding, for that matter.My entire wedding Ė including dress and reception Ė cost $300.None of this white dress nonsense:I got married in the courthouse, right beside bail court.

At the time, the irony of that escaped me.

I donít remember ever getting a valentineís card either.To this day, my dad sends me one which he signs (in his very distinctive handwriting) ďwith love from your secret admirerĒ.It gave him such a pang to see me left out all those years ago that he started this little tradition and heís been at it forever.(How sweet is that though, eh?)

But bah, I still hate it.Not because I still donít get any valentines but because itís contrived and artificial (AND I donít get any valentines).Plus, more than any other day, it reminds me of the trolls and losers that litter the landscape of my romantic past.

Before we begin, everybody check this out:

Itís one of my new favourite sites.And letís be honest girls:we could ALL post a few up there, couldnít we?

Along with Ginger (author of the "Diary of a FreakMagnet" blog), I am an absolute magnet for freaks and losers.I never stoop to banging Ďem because there are depthsto which I will not sink no matter how much alcohol you pour down my throat, but they tend to fall in love with me.I donít know what it is.My friend Christine calls it "my special gift".And what a gift it is.

Where do I begin?

How about with the guy I was supposed to marry and was perfectly prepared to do (while I was still in my teens) just to get out from under my motherís thumb?Yeah.Never laid a finger on me but it wasnít until he ran off with the best man two weeks before the wedding that I finally realized it wasnít just respect and Catholic boy restraint that was keeping him from mauling me.

As a consolation prize, he seems to have sprinkled me with fairy dust before he flitted off, as Iíve been attracting closeted gay men ever since.Itís astonishing.Nearly my entire romantic history is FILLED with men who have absolutely no interest whatsoever in having sex with me.††† Iím still not entirely convinced that this isnít just a big conspiracy cooked up by the nuns and my mother.I ainít lyiní:I couldnít get laid in Millhaven.

OK, so thatís a bit of an exaggeration.I attract straight men too, but theyíve all got wives, substance abuse problems and/or mental health issues.Itís a bit of a mixed bag.These are not men with whom it would be wise to become carnally involved, lest I find myself being throttled by a jealous wife or wake up with my hands duct taped behind me in the trunk of some car.

Itís brutal.I donít know what it is, but if thereís a loser within 100 miles, heíll hone in on me as if I were emitting a GPS signal.

Liars like me too, probably because Iím so gullible.The obviously psychotic are similarly besotted but likely only because they sense that Iím a kindred spirit.

Just in case youíre losing the thread, the following types appear to populate my dating pool: (a) gay men (b) married men (c) losers (which in my world includes anyone "recovering" from anything like alcoholism, drug addiction or Catholicism) (d) hardened criminals (e) drunks (f) guys who look like they may have fleas (g) liars (h) guys who arenít even subtle about talking to my breasts or (i) any combination of the above.

God, this is just depressing.I may as well just officially call it quits right this second and go out and get myself the biggest frigginí vibrator I can find.One that plugs into the outlet for the dryer.Love has no pride, and I suppose thatís doubly true for self-love and since thatís all Iíve been getting since Christ was a cowboy, I might just splurge and get myself a back up generator in case I incinerate the power grid.

I havenít quite reached that point yet, but weíre getting close.Awfully close.The Marathon of Hope continues quite unabated and itís been pretty grueling this time around.When you start hearing news reports of inexplicable rolling brownouts throughout Ontario, youíll know.Yeah.Thatíll be me, finally throwing in the towel and firing that sucker up.And once you start down that path, itís a slippery slope.Iím already risking my immortal soul as it is - Iím Catholic.†† Self abuse has all sorts of nasty consequences for us.

It should be entirely obvious by now why I write under a pseudonym but if I bow to the inevitable and, say, respond to the spam I just got advertising something called "the Jack Rabbit vibrator" , Iíll be easy enough to spot.Iíll be the blind one with the really hairy palms.

And just as an aside, what is it with vibrator manufacturers and bunnies? To whom are they marketing these devices?Surely to God youíd think theyíd sell more of the things if they stopped naming them after rodents.

Think about it: if youíre desperate enough to have to resort to a machine, youíve pretty much admitted to yourself that youíve hit the wall.That being the case, who strikes you as being more likely to show you an electronic good time - Peter Cottontail or Secretariat?

Sadly, my budget will not stretch to a battery operated boyfriend but by the same token, Iím not spending anything on manicures either.

Yes, itís a sad, lonely pastime (especially when performed in your motherís house) but itís all Iíve got.

Till next time,



PS.Happy anti-valentineís day!


Copyright© the Morrigan & Heartless Bitches International ( 2009
go to top

Pause your cursor over each link below for a more detailed description

Search HBI
   Collected Quotes
   The Manipulator Files
   Nice Guys? BLEAH
   Auntie Dote
   Honorary HBs
   Adult Books
   Kids Books
   Privacy Policy
   HBI Sitings


Want to link to HBI?

  Want to know when we update? Subscribe to our "What's New" RSS Feed

(What is an RSS Feed?)

Get SharpReader - our favorite RSS aggregator - it's free!

If you don't have a Newsreader, you can subscribe to updates via email:

Enter your Email

Powered by FeedBlitz

Add this Content to Your Site