Active Columns:

Mar 21, 2010 - Deja Vu
Mar 28, 2010 - SeizurePalooza
Oct 18, 2009 - Born to Run
Oct 12, 2009 - Give it a Rest
Oct 2, 2009 - ...Bitch on a Budget
May 12, 2009 - The Brazilian
Feb 14, 2009 - My date with "Adam"
Feb 6, 2009 - Valentine's Day? BAH!
Feb 2, 2009 - Won't get Fooled...
Jan 14, 2009 - Here Kitty Kitty...
Jan 12, 2009 - On The Mend
Dec 12, 2008 - A Not-So-Merry Christmas
Dec 8, 2008 - Ivan's Move
Nov 30, 2008 - Quick Update
Nov 7, 2008 - And God Says...
Nov 6, 2008 - It's Not Looking Good...
Sep 24, 2008 - Shake Hands With The Devil
Sep 23, 2008 - It's Just Like Paris
Sep 17, 2008 - Memoirs of a Catholic...
Sep 16, 2008 - Suicidal Tendencies
Sep 15, 2008 - Fat is a Feminist Issue
Sep 14, 2008 - Get Me Out of Here
Sep 13, 2008 - Living with the 'rents
May 20, 2008 - I'm Not Dead Yet
May 19, 2008 - PSA
Apr 29, 2008 - Are You There God?
Apr 14, 2008 - Frightening the Neighbors
Mar 17, 2008 - The Border
Mar 10, 2008 - The Vibrator
Oct 8, 2007 - Ivan the Terrible
Sept 20, 2007 - Depression?
July 19, 2007 - An Update
July 3, 2007 - A Good Catch
March 26, 2007 - Crushed
March 19, 2007 - Adieu le feu
March 12, 2007 - Taking a Chance
Feb 26, 2007 - Biological Clock
Oct 16, 2006 - Determination...
July 15, 2006 - The Puppy
July 10, 2006 - The Gastroenterologist
July 8, 2006 - The Neurology Ward
Nov 21, 2005 - Who Would You Do?
Nov 14, 2005 - Shaved Pussies
Nov 7, 2005 - Avoidance
Sep 26, 2005 - love, kindness, missed chances
Aug 2, 2005 - Geoff the Entomologist
Aug 1, 2005 - Revenge
May 11, 2005 - Going for it
May 21, 2005 - The Green Thumb
Apr 22, 2005- Barry Again
Apr 21, 2005 - The Rectal Syringe
Apr 18, 2005 - Butterflies of Love
Apr 17, 2005 - No escape
Apr 10, 2005 - Meeting Colin Farrell
Oct 17, 2004 - Oops, I've done it again
Oct 21, 2004 - Lust
Oct 30, 2004 - Of Mice and Men
Nov 5, 2004 - What the FUCK...?
Oct 12, 2004 - The US Election
Oct 11, 2004 - MegaCleanse
Oct 5, 2004 - Life Sucks
Jul 8, 2004 - The Horoscope
Jun 15, 2004 - Seven Deadly Sins
Apr 24, 2004 - Going Out
Feb 24, 2004 - Tails
Jan 24, 2004 - The Decorator
Aug 25, 2003
July 18, 2003
July 17, 2003
July 16, 2003
May 19, 2003
May 18, 2003
May 17, 2003
May 16, 2003
May 1, 2003
Mar 10, 2003
Jan 25, 2003
Jan 24, 2003
Jan 23, 2003
Apr 30, 2002
Apr 30, 2003
May 29, 2002
May 12, 2002
May 18, 2001
January 10, 2001
December 11, '00
April 17, '00
The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you




July 19, 2007


An update:Life continues to be lived and the attendant tragedies and triumphs continue apace.I cannot help but be bewildered by the contrast in my work and personal life:at work, I blossom.Even in the midst of this mire, I feel I am contributing and I am constantly stimulated by the dayís events.I get to put my armour on and I take no prisoners.I live for the battle.


But once work is over and I get home, everything changes.†† It goes from light speed to zero the minute I cross the threshold, and although Iím not sure, I think I find comfort in this.I thinkitís just that I run out of steam -- I exert so much of myself in my 9 to 5 that there is little left for the hours I have left and all I can do is decompress in the most benign fashion possible -- it beats having grand mals, though they, annoyingly, continue.(My theory -- and Iím sticking to it -- too many brains.)


I fear that I live all my life out loud and in the quiet moments, I do not exist --like someone has forgotten to colour me in.†† Itís not a bad fate in the aggregate -- but Iím beginning to feel like a machine constructed for a particular purpose, a machine that has no function when exhaling.That all that happens between the end of work and the beginning of work is the routine maintenance the ensures continued performance at the start of the next day.


And at 4 a.m. every day, I get up, drink gallons of coffee, read law and listen to the Smashing Pumpkins at full volume.


Do I regret this?


No.It is a benediction.


Do I think my life is wasted?


No.I am blessed.


Do I feel cheated?


Strangely: no.


Do I need more?


Apparently not.


Am I significant?


No.That concept is laughable.


Does anybody care?


No.People donít even remember my name.


Am I making a difference?


Apparently not.Clearly not.


But hereís the epiphany:I have never been so at home in my own head or my own skin -- never so sure of my own purpose than I am right this minute.


The realization that it is likely that the next man to put his hands on my body will in all likelihood be a coroner doesnít disturb me.†† Before (according to my best friend Helen) men shunned me because I was ďscaryĒ.Now I can apparently turn them to stone at a glance -- but you know what?It doesnít bother me.I am entire and complete in my own head.††


It is freeing on such a visceral level.I feel so tuned in and so apart, and maybe thatís what freedom is.


I will have one mistress here and no master.


As for the rest of it, for the moments in between, Iím making it up as I go along.


It feels incidental.


I cannot allow myself to think about what Iíve relinquished to get here.That part is unbearable.


Iím told that life exists in those moments when everyone else is drawing breath -- where connection, family, vulnerability, minutiae have dominion-- and maybe thatís true for people who define life in those terms.


Iím told Iím too intense, isolated, difficult, dogmatic, strident, too resolute.Too weird.


But amidst these inconvenient truths, Iím finding myself.


My friend (the honest man Iíve referenced in previous columns), tells me that Iím kidding myself: that I hate being single and that this warrior persona is simply one of my masks.(And how I resent him for seeing so clearly, how glad I am that he is but a footnote in my life.)


Although I respect his opinion, this time I think heís wrong, despite his detached and benevolent observations.


(And oh, how I scare him too.He has the luxury of seeing me from a distance: close scrutiny would overwhelm him.But his honesty soothes me, and there is so little else that consoles me these days.I attach no particular importance to it: I canít afford to.I wind myself up these nights only in what I remember of the day, the ubiquitous tumbleweeds of cat fur, and the consoling words of a kind friend.It more than suffices.)


And for me, at this moment, in this life:Iím home.


This is me.


Life is good and richly lived besides.


Iíve never been happier.


Till next time,






Copyright© the Morrigan & Heartless Bitches International ( 2007
go to top

Pause your cursor over each link below for a more detailed description

Search HBI
   Collected Quotes
   The Manipulator Files
   Nice Guys? BLEAH
   Auntie Dote
   Honorary HBs
   Adult Books
   Kids Books
   Privacy Policy
   HBI Sitings


Want to link to HBI?

  Want to know when we update? Subscribe to our "What's New" RSS Feed

(What is an RSS Feed?)

Get SharpReader - our favorite RSS aggregator - it's free!

If you don't have a Newsreader, you can subscribe to updates via email:

Enter your Email

Powered by FeedBlitz

Add this Content to Your Site