Active Columns:

Mar 21, 2010 - Deja Vu
Mar 28, 2010 - SeizurePalooza
Oct 18, 2009 - Born to Run
Oct 12, 2009 - Give it a Rest
Oct 2, 2009 - ...Bitch on a Budget
May 12, 2009 - The Brazilian
Feb 14, 2009 - My date with "Adam"
Feb 6, 2009 - Valentine's Day? BAH!
Feb 2, 2009 - Won't get Fooled...
Jan 14, 2009 - Here Kitty Kitty...
Jan 12, 2009 - On The Mend
Dec 12, 2008 - A Not-So-Merry Christmas
Dec 8, 2008 - Ivan's Move
Nov 30, 2008 - Quick Update
Nov 7, 2008 - And God Says...
Nov 6, 2008 - It's Not Looking Good...
Sep 24, 2008 - Shake Hands With The Devil
Sep 23, 2008 - It's Just Like Paris
Sep 17, 2008 - Memoirs of a Catholic...
Sep 16, 2008 - Suicidal Tendencies
Sep 15, 2008 - Fat is a Feminist Issue
Sep 14, 2008 - Get Me Out of Here
Sep 13, 2008 - Living with the 'rents
May 20, 2008 - I'm Not Dead Yet
May 19, 2008 - PSA
Apr 29, 2008 - Are You There God?
Apr 14, 2008 - Frightening the Neighbors
Mar 17, 2008 - The Border
Mar 10, 2008 - The Vibrator
Oct 8, 2007 - Ivan the Terrible
Sept 20, 2007 - Depression?
July 19, 2007 - An Update
July 3, 2007 - A Good Catch
March 26, 2007 - Crushed
March 19, 2007 - Adieu le feu
March 12, 2007 - Taking a Chance
Feb 26, 2007 - Biological Clock
Oct 16, 2006 - Determination...
July 15, 2006 - The Puppy
July 10, 2006 - The Gastroenterologist
July 8, 2006 - The Neurology Ward
Nov 21, 2005 - Who Would You Do?
Nov 14, 2005 - Shaved Pussies
Nov 7, 2005 - Avoidance
Sep 26, 2005 - love, kindness, missed chances
Aug 2, 2005 - Geoff the Entomologist
Aug 1, 2005 - Revenge
May 11, 2005 - Going for it
May 21, 2005 - The Green Thumb
Apr 22, 2005- Barry Again
Apr 21, 2005 - The Rectal Syringe
Apr 18, 2005 - Butterflies of Love
Apr 17, 2005 - No escape
Apr 10, 2005 - Meeting Colin Farrell
Oct 17, 2004 - Oops, I've done it again
Oct 21, 2004 - Lust
Oct 30, 2004 - Of Mice and Men
Nov 5, 2004 - What the FUCK...?
Oct 12, 2004 - The US Election
Oct 11, 2004 - MegaCleanse
Oct 5, 2004 - Life Sucks
Jul 8, 2004 - The Horoscope
Jun 15, 2004 - Seven Deadly Sins
Apr 24, 2004 - Going Out
Feb 24, 2004 - Tails
Jan 24, 2004 - The Decorator
Aug 25, 2003
July 18, 2003
July 17, 2003
July 16, 2003
May 19, 2003
May 18, 2003
May 17, 2003
May 16, 2003
May 1, 2003
Mar 10, 2003
Jan 25, 2003
Jan 24, 2003
Jan 23, 2003
Apr 30, 2002
Apr 30, 2003
May 29, 2002
May 12, 2002
May 18, 2001
January 10, 2001
December 11, '00
April 17, '00
The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you

The Border


March 17, 2008

This past weekend, I had to cross the US/Canadian border, as I was going on a visit to see my ex-husband, who also happens to be my best friend.  Due to some medical issues, I had spent the night before I left at the hospital and was discharged at the last minute -- I made it home with moments to spare, flung a few things in an overnight bag and hurled myself into a cab.  I only just made it to the station on time.

The trip itself wasn’t too heinous until we got to the US customs check point -- and since 911 the Yanks have become a bit exercised about security.  

If you guys know me at all by now, you know that I’m violently anti-American. 

Let me clarify:  I hate what the Bush administration stands for and I hate US foreign policy, cultural arrogance and general sense of entitlement -- but by the same token, I haven’t met an individual American I disliked.  The ERA, Roe v. Wade, Republicans, the US Supreme Court generally -- don’t get me started. 

I’m always sure that US border guards can smell the hostility off me and each time I go into the US (which I do as infrequently as possible -- it seems only polite to stay out of a place if you vehemently disagree with the way they order their political agenda), I’m convinced I’ll be arrested and sent to Gitmo, just for believing that George Bush is a dangerous war criminal.  

But here I was at the Buffalo border crossing, eye to eye with a guy who looked very much like he just stepped out of a recruiting ad for the Marines and I‘ll be the first to admit, I‘m weak for the type. I really go for big Alpha Males.  He was maybe 35, about 6’5”, maybe 240, not an ounce of fat on him.   Big brown eyes (I love brown eyes).  No ring.  Nice smile.

Hmm…what’s a girl got to do to get strip searched around here?

(I have got to get out more.)

There’s a big sign behind each customs officer which reads “Every conversation will be audio and video taped.” 

I presented my passport and handed over my bag, which he immediately unzipped and began to thoroughly explore.

As he was delving through it, we began to converse, cordially enough at first. 

“How long will you be staying in the US?” he queried.

“Just till Monday morning” I responded.

“What’s the purpose of your visit?” he asked, as he was rifling through my overnight bag, searching for drugs or guns or bombs or whatever the hell else people tend to smuggle into the US.

“I’m visiting relatives”, I replied.

“What relatives do you have here?” he asked.

“My ex-husband, mainly.  He's Canadian, but he works here.” 

Why was I getting so nervous?  All of this was true.  I wasn't lying to the man.

“Your ex-husband?  That seems awfully friendly.”  he responded.

“Yes, he's my best friend.”

“Is that why you didn't pack any underwear?”

WHAT?!  Holy crap!  He was right!  Curling iron, makeup, meds, socks, jeans, sweater, t-shirt but nary a pair of panties to be found.  I flirted with the idea of claiming that Canadian girls always go commando and he was welcome to check for himself if he didn‘t believe me, but in the end I settled for the lame truth.

“I was in a bit of a hurry.  I forgot.”  I could feel my face burning and only just resisted the urge to shout “I really did just forget -- I'm not sleeping with him!”

He gave me a big, wolfish smile and slowly looked me up and down once before zipping my bag up and sliding it back across the table at me.

“Well now.  Welcome to the United States of America.  You have yourself a wonderful weekend.”

Till next time.


Copyright© the Morrigan & Heartless Bitches International ( 2008
go to top

Pause your cursor over each link below for a more detailed description

Search HBI
   Collected Quotes
   The Manipulator Files
   Nice Guys? BLEAH
   Auntie Dote
   Honorary HBs
   Adult Books
   Kids Books
   Privacy Policy
   HBI Sitings


Want to link to HBI?

  Want to know when we update? Subscribe to our "What's New" RSS Feed

(What is an RSS Feed?)

Get SharpReader - our favorite RSS aggregator - it's free!

If you don't have a Newsreader, you can subscribe to updates via email:

Enter your Email

Powered by FeedBlitz

Add this Content to Your Site