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The Goddess of battle, strife, and destruction explains it all for you

Give It A Rest


Oct 12, 2009

I love this apartment.† Itís central, cheap and Iíve fixed it up quite nicely.

Until quite recently, it was nice and quiet too.

Then my upstairs neighbour got herself a new boyfriend and I havenít had a wink of sleep since then.† I donít sleep much anyway, but every time I lay my weary head down, these two start screwing.† And, as it happens my upstairs neighbour is quite the screamer.† And unless Iím very much mistaken, quite the faker.

When it first happened, I didnít know what was going on.† It sounded like there were wolverines being fed through a shredder and I became quite concerned - until the cheesy porno dialogue began.

Oh my God, does this girl have a set of lungs on her!† And theyíre at it constantly!† This entire building is made of concrete and yet itís like sheís right here beside me, the filthy harlot.

After several successive evenings of this, I had about as much as I could take.† Iíd been up for a few days running and I was in a foul temper.† Just as I crawled into bed and put my exhausted head on the pillow, the caterwauling began anew.† I wanted to march up there with my sword and kill the pair of them, but instead I sat down and composed a neighbourly little letter.† The pen being mightier than the sword and all that.

Dear Upstairs Neighbour:

Congratulations on your shiny new sex life!† We havenít met yet, but I feel I know you so well already.

But please tone down the screaming, OK?† They can hear you on Saturn.† This used to be such a peaceful place to live and if you keep it up with the concert volume mooing and carrying on, youíre bound to lower your standing in the community.

This letter is just a friendly - but final - warning that there will be consequences if the volume level doesnít drop dramatically.† Learn to bite the pillow, woman, for the love and honour of God.† And puleeze:† "Oh baby, youíre so big; youíre the best I ever had"?† Do you really expect him to fall for THAT old chestnut?† How gullible is this guy?† Nor am I especially interested in your desire to take it up the ass, to be perfectly candid.† Iím sure it thrills him, but to be honest Upstairs Neighbour Iíd rather not have my dreams haunted by that particular visual.

Now that youíve been officially put on notice, I can advise that if it happens again I will feel no qualms about joining in with the festivities.† I will stand on my bed and hold the speakers right up against the ceiling and serenade the pair of you with a selection of music Iíve downloaded to enhance MY pleasure.† Letís see if the two of you can manage to fuck along to Weird Al Yankovic or if loverboy can sustain his erection through Alvin and Chipmunks Greatest Hits.† Just to throw him off his stride and for the added startle effect, Iíve recently acquired an air horn and I have to confess, Upstairs Neighbour, I will not hesitate to use it.

I feel it only fair to advise you that Iím seriously sleep deprived and somewhat demented to begin with, and this sort of thing REALLY appeals to my sense of humour.† Trust me when I say that if I werenít so law abiding, Iíd consider scaling your balcony to gain access to your apartment during the day.† Once in your bedroom, I would sprinkle your bed liberally with these: http://www.revengecrabs.com/† However, as an officer of the court, I would never dream of doing such a thing.† Your cleaning lady, however, may have no such scruples.† It must be disheartening to have to face your crusty sheets every day.

Youíre playing with fire, Upstairs Neighbour.† Itíll only take the slightest nudge for me to adopt ruining your sex life as my personal crusade.

And whatís with your boyfriendís peeing?† Itís stop/start, stop/start, stop/start.† Maybe you should get him to a doctor.† Iíve got enough on my plate - I shouldnít have to fret about the possible prostate problems of a man Iíve never even met.

I mean business.


Yours Downstairs Neighbour


Till next time,



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