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The (How NOT To Be A) "Bad Lover List"

Created by A. A. and S.W. (with additions by Natalie), loosely based on and with apologies to The "Bad Pet" list.

The following are sayings that we would like our sex partners to write on the blackboard 100 times...

  • If I am inadequate in one area, I will compensate in others.
  • I will pay attention to my partner's responses and move on to something different at the slightest sign of revulsion.
  • I will not leave my socks on; it still counts.
  • I will not vomit on my partner's private parts.
  • Personal hygiene is good.
  • Spitting is bad.
  • Little pieces of toilet paper are neither a fashion statement nor a turn-on.
  • I will not laugh at noises caused by friction.
  • I will not smack my partner in the nose, accidentally or otherwise.
  • I will not lay on my partner's hair.
  • I will not tell my partner I wish she was more aggressive sexually, when I'm always being bossy in bed.
  • I will not limit my tongue's entire repetoire to simply thrusting stiffly (or limply) into my partner's mouth.
  • I will be careful with my teeth.
  • I will not comment on my partner's weight ever, in bed or otherwise.
  • I will be careful with my fingernails.
  • I will pay attention.
  • I will not let my partner down by abruptly stopping what was just about to make her very happy.
  • I will be careful with my jewellry.
  • I will wash beneath my foreskin. Daily.
  • I will not expect my partner to have the flexibility of a gymnast, when I can't even touch my toes.
  • I will remember to bring condoms, lube, and spermicide.
  • I will practise putting on condoms so that I don't totally spoil the moment with unskilled ineptitude.
  • "Ouch" does not mean "ooh baby, do that again".
  • I will not make her sleep on the wet spot.
  • I will not attempt to suck my partner's tongue out of her head.
  • I will not be so focussed on my "performance" that I will forget to have fun and enjoy myself too.
  • I will not make fun of noises my partner makes in the heat of the moment.
  • Having staying power is a good thing; doing the same thing for an hour is not.
  • I will not say "This will only take a minute" or "This won't hurt a bit" as it will only make my partner nervous.
  • I will not eat food with a lot of garlic in it beforehand, unless my partner does too.
  • I will throw away my own condom.
  • I will not stop to answer the phone, the door, or my pager.
  • "No" does not mean "yes" or "maybe", nor is it a come-on line.

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