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Help With Boyfriend 9.0

(by David Schlinkert)

[Read with a nasal LonG I'land accent]

To: princess@whiner.nocom

Subject: Installation and operation of Boyfriend 9.0

princess@whiner.com sent:
I'm really fed up with the excuses your company has been trying to feed me instead of fixing the obvious problems with Boyfriend 9.0. I'm sure the problem ISN'T at my end, as I've successfully run Boyfriend 6.0, 7.0 and 8.0 on the same equipment.

Dear Princess,

We have completed an intensive evaluation of your system and have the following recommendations:

  1. The initial conditions in the MUSTHAVE.INI files are set to the maximum limits; your firmware doesn't support any settings above 50%. In general, older systems work better with fewer requirements. Only the newest and fastest systems can expect any responses at the settings you have selected.
  2. Please remove MindReader 1.0 from your system and replace it with PlainSpeech 9.0. Nothing in the Guy product line work with any version of MindReader. WARNING: PlainSpeech is NOT a translator. If you enter, "I think you need to get out of the house more", Boyfriend 9.0 will not receive, "I want to go to dinner at Tony's tonight.". What is more likely to happen is the activation of a TSR like OldDrinkingBuddies or Golfing
  3. You need to remove all traces of your unsuccessful attempts to upgrade Boyfriend 6.0, 7.0 and 8.0 to Husband 1.0. Frequent references to the latter can interfere with the installation of Boyfriend 9.0. Also, system errors caused by older versions of BoyFriend or Husband must be cleaned out. Boyfriend 9.0 is a completely new product and cannot be blamed for the failures of older programs.
  4. Boyfriend 9.0 may fail to install if DatingAngst is running or if anti-virus programs are given excessive priority.
  5. Although any version of Boyfriend can be upgraded to Husband 1.0 or higher, this process is highly system specific and we cannot make any guarantees. Please read our notes on the "Ozzie & Harriet" virus, which may reduce your interest in performing the upgrade. Also, Husband 1.x doesn't work with MindReader either.
  6. Do not try loading Boyfriend 9.0 with COMMITMENT set to 150%. Overly high initial settings of COMMITMENT can result in Boyfriend 9.0 reverting to the 1NightStand mode. Boyfriend 9.0 has an AUTOCOMMIT feature that increases COMMITMENT as the number of successful interactions increases.
  7. If you want to use the ATHLETICHARDBODY option of Boyfriend 9.0, you need to reduce your FAT table to less than 25% of hard disk space to enhance system performance. You cannot use the space on the floppies to store additional FAT. Attempts to do so will result in a droop condition when supporting structures are removed.
  8. Boyfriend 9.0 is sensitive to the operation of Kids (any version) and will not compete for system resources. However, it will uninstall itself if you fail to dedicate SOME resources to the it.
  9. Boyfriend 9.0 works better when running with the utility FemaleFriend 9.0. FemaleFriend 9.0 increases the sensitivity of Boyfriend 9.0 and can validate your interactions with Boyfriend 9.0. Confusing FemaleFriend 9.0 with GirlFriend 1.x and attempting to remove FF 9.0 can result in system crashes.

As you requested, we have put you on the waiting list for "Knight in Shining Armoire, the Perfect Mate". Please note that there are 93,675,935 women ahead of you on the list.

Reality Software Copyright 1999 Antares, Inc.

Copying or reproduction (in whole or in part) on any medium (such as in print or on the web) is expressly forbidden without written permission from HBI

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