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The Heartless Bitch Challenge

(Or "How to not make an ass of yourself when particpating on the Bitch Board")


Every person on admittance to this board is presented with a challenge. Success in a number of tasks determines ultimate triumph. I will present these tasks in an easy-to-understand hierarchy. The first task being the simplest and the last representing the most difficult task at hand.

  1. Get in the door.
    Obviously easy as documented by some of the inane ramblings that find their way here. All you have to do is present your email address and a B.I.T.C.H. Statement. The B.I.T.C.H. Statement is similar to a mission statement. The goal is to sum up in a few sentences or less that which makes you the bitch you are. (Let me remind you that B.I.T.C.H. means Being In Total Control, Honey.) An example, "If you can't get it up -- get out. I have no room in my life for inadequates." If you have other examples, you may submit them as long as you have satisfied all required tasks and have been determined to be up to The Challenge.
  2. Introduce yourself.
    This can be done in a number of ways, not all of them successful. The best tactic is to lurk for some time, getting a feel for the Board and gauge its depths. Wait until a topic interests you and you have something of merit to contribute. This has been shown to be the most successful way to utilize this forum. While a tad riskier, but no less successful, is to begin a new topic thread on a subject which you honestly feel will interest the current posters at the Board. This can backfire if you attempt to introduce yourself in this manner with a personal editorial and/or commentary; you ask for advice; you attempt to belittle and/or pigeonhole the entire forum and its participants with sweeping generalizations. As a matter of fact, the latter is generally frowned upon for any newbie. Announcing that you are the Queen Bitch and everyone should bow down to you virtually ensures a swift and much-deserved ass kicking. And finally, you can introduce yourself by doing just that. Example: "Hello, my name is Jane Bitch and I found this site while searching for intelligent life on the Internet. This site is a breath of fresh air."
  3. Post.
    It doesn't sound difficult but it can sometimes present real problems. It is always best to follow the evolution of a thread. If you want to follow up to a specific post or comment, cut and paste the text that you want to comment on, and use the special board formatting syntax ( learn how to use it from the handy-dandy HELP files that are available on the board) to highlight the difference between the quoted text and your comments. Print out the help file. Keep it next to your computer. You will be happy. We will be happy. The axiom to "try, try again" does not work so well on the BitchBoard. One final note on happiness. Don't quote entire messages unnecessarily. If you quote an entire message only to add "Yeah" to the end you will make the Board goddesses very unhappy. There are only rare instances where this will actually be as effective as you think it will be.
  4. Be intelligent.
    How revolutionary! How shocking! Yes, it's true, we bitches tend to pride ourselves on our intelligence. We also recognize that intelligence comes in many forms: from world experience, from personal victory, from book reading, from maturity, from analysis, from self-reflection, from challenges. It does not come from age, sex (as in gender), financial background or holdings, IQ, or even school. I know that last point seems a little contradictory but we all know that you only get out of school what you put into it. If you are dumb and stubborn and ignorant when you go in you're likely to be dumb and stubborn and ignorant when you leave. The only difference will be in the degree you hold. This place is not for the dumb, stubborn or ignorant. You can learn things here. In fact, this is an excellent place to learn. There's nothing like being surrounded by verbose women of strength and intelligence to really challenge (there's that word again) your ideas and hypotheses. Learn it. Love it. Use it.
  5. Be witty.
    It is not difficult for the intelligent to be witty. Wit is what truly separates us from The Others. Now, for the definition. Being witty is not the same as being funny. Anyone can be funny provided he/she has a volume of knock-knock jokes or belongs to Playboy's jokes-of-the-month club. Funny is not bad but witty is better (and liquor is quicker). Wit does more than imply your intelligence it screams about it. Wit means that you can think on your feet and that your brain keeps up with you mouth. Some people are extremely witty while others have their moments. Moments of great wit are cherished gems. A moment of great wit is worth a career of stand-up. Great wit gets quoted.
  6. Be smart.
    Smart really implies "book-smart." "Book-smart" really implies learning by rote. However, the benefits of being book-smart are that even if you aren't all that witty and you don't think you're very intelligent you can at least be understood. This means an effort at proper grammar, fact-checking and relevancy. It's not about rules, kids, it's about respect. The person or persons who created this site and the people who make this Board the fun, dynamic and insightful animal that it is demand respect. Give and you shall receive. Keep in mind that you can't bend the rules if you don't know the rules.
  7. Be a Heartless Bitch®.
    At this point you should have read and succeeded at each task. Ideally, the only people on this board would be the ones who met The Challenge before they even followed a hyper-link here. However, if you are looking for a training-ground this is the place. Training-ground naturally implies teachers and students which (oh, the world is so unfair) means the teachers teach and the students listen. Students who, on the first day of class, declare that they already know all there is to know and, furthermore, couldn't give a rats ass about anyone but themselves, the sun of their universe, will quickly find themselves in detention. A Heartless Bitch® is antithetical to the Senseless Bitch. A Heartless Bitch® is simply an example of the way women should be (and are): strong, intelligent, irreverent, independent, demanding, evolving, witty, unsatisfied and possessing ovaries of steel. You can be all of these things and more -- just don't be less.

Are you up to the challenge?

I will be keeping this challenge on file for updates/revisions and in the event that the challenge needs to be revisited I can always repost. I mean, these are like rules for life, ya know? Is it too much to ask?

Bitch Board: The Heartless Bitches members-only discussion board and community of bitches - there is no place like it on earth or on the net.

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