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The Cherry-Bomb after the H-Bomb: How to Add Insult to Injury by Taking a Dump on a Friend Whose Relationship Has Just Gone to Hell

(Using the Timeless Techniques of the Wrongus Dongus Silvestri Institute of Emotional Abuse and Relationship Fuck-Overs)

Edited by

You can fuck up any friendship with ease by following some of the many simple techniques presented by the WDS Institute. The wonderful thing about these techniques is that using them, although it DOES require keeping careful track of things like lies and rationalizations, actually requires less REAL work than behaving in an ethical and morally consistent fashion does. PLUS, you get an added bonus: WDS Institute techniques also allow you to feel sorry for yourself AND to play the martyr!

Remember, to REALLY fuck up a friendship, you've GOT to maximize the drama and emotional manipulation. Make sure you're always cast as either The Victim or The Rescuer, leaving the role of The Persecutor for your friend (hereinafter referred to as "The Fuck-ee"). It is VITAL to keep your friends caught up in this ever-useful drama triangle; it's the most effective and entertaining way to avoid the really messy things -- you know, like looking honestly at yourself, accepting responsibility for your actions and behavior, working on your OWN issues, personal growth, and other such wastes of time.

As an example of WDS' tried-and-true tactics, we present a top-ten list of techniques that can be used time and again to topple even the most firm-seeming friendship. Specifically, we examine the ripe opportunities for undermining peace and destroying trust when The Fuck-ee happens to be recovering from a recently detonated relationship. Remember: There's no explosion so large that an artfully lobbed cherry bomb can't reduce the smoking rubble to even smaller pieces -- and the flying shrapnel can do half the work FOR you! (Note: While these techniques are specifically targeted, they can be modified to damage almost any type of friendship at any time.)

1) Lie. Lying by omission is the best method to employ here; not only is it niftily passive-aggressive and more difficult to trace, it also allows you to make all kinds of excuses as to why you couldn't bring yourself to be honest with your friend. You can blame THEM for your inability to deal with the reality of your behavior and its consequences! Try excuses like "I KNEW he/she'd get upset if I told him/her what I was planning to do." It's a wonderful little self-fulfilling scenario; YOU know that your friend is upset because of your actual behavior, but YOU can pretend that their upset is in fact the one that you PREDICTED, instead of the one that you CAUSED!

Try doing something behind your friend's back -- and make sure itís something that you KNOW will upset them, like maybe something involving their ex -- but blame your duplicity and lack of courtesy on the "fact" that your friend shouldn't make unreasonable demands on you. How DARE they expect you to toe the line of their impossible expectations? Consistency is too inconvenient! What's more, you can convince yourself and others that you are "protecting" your friend with your evasive and duplicitous behavior, when the only person you're "protecting," of course, is yourself -- from having to face the consequences of your actions. If you orchestrate it right, you can totally blow your friend's trust in you out of the water! A surefire friendship killer!

Conveniently forget the fact that The Fuck-ee had stated that they wanted the opportunity to make their OWN choices about whether or not to attend functions where the ex might be present. Use the fact that The Fuck-ee asked you not to continue telling stories about the ex as an excuse for your failure to mention the social function in question (or the fact that you were attending it). Complain that it's just too confusing to know what you can and can't discuss, thereby obscuring the REAL issue -- that your behavior and actions were in direct opposition to earlier statements you made to your friend, The Fuck-ee!

If you'd actually TALKED about things ahead of time, it would've exposed the fact that you had gone back on your word to The Fuck-ee and had stayed in contact with the ex. You can't have THAT happen -- especially since The Fuck-ee explained some time ago that he/she viewed a close friend continuing to be "buddies" with an abusive ex as a trust- and boundary-violation issue. By doing things behind The Fuck-ee's back, you can orchestrate things so that you carefully deflect attention away from that little indiscretion, distracting all parties with your righteous indignation at The Fuck-ee.

If you KNOW that someone you supposedly CARE for is going to be upset by your behavior, make sure not to show them the courtesy and respect of actually TALKING them about it first. (And I'm sure we don't even need to DISCUSS the annoyance of actually abstaining from the offending behavior; remember, this is all about YOU!). Withhold information, and you can blame THEM for making YOU feel guilty, whether they actually approach you with a grievance or not. This projecting method also allows you to focus outward instead of looking at yourself. Remember, TALKING might lead to actual COMMUNICATION, and communication tends to prevent head-games. And head-games -- with YOU in the gamer's chair, of COURSE -- are what it's all about!

2) Maximize the Use of Hypocrisy. Tell The Fuck-ee that you "understand" and concur with their feelings and perceptions. Corroborate their problems and concerns with their ex. Encourage them to pour their heart out and vent about the frustration and anger and hurt that they feel. Wind up The Fuck-ee with stories about the ex; rail about what a creep the ex is. Say, for instance, that you think the ex is a creepy, dangerous sociopath, and that you want to have nothing to do with him/her. Once you've laid the appropriate groundwork -- once you're sure that The Fuck-ee REALLY believes that you're actually on their side -- make sure to go out with the ex for coffee, or to attend a social function that the ex organizes. Without, of course, informing The Fuck-ee. Extend an invitation to the ex yourself if you absolutely must; if you can, however, it's far better to wait until an appropriate situation arises for you to exploit. Any situation that allows you to go out of your way to make nice with the ex in an appropriately egregious fashion will do just fine.

Make sure to have your excuses ready when The Fuck-ee questions your duplicity. There were other people there; you didn't REALLY socialize with the ex; you were just SACRIFICING yourself -- trying to keep an eye on the ex (for The Fuck-ee of course) -- because you think he/she is dangerous; etc., etc., etc. If The Fuck-ee gets too close to uncovering the game, substitute the words TAKING SIDES for DISPLAYING LOYALTY and HAVING INTEGRITY (otherwise known as backing up your words with actions that match). Then rail about how UNFAIR it is that The Fuck-ee should expect you to TAKE SIDES, especially since you just can't make up your MIND; see, there are so many NICE things about the ex that make you kinda forget about the mean, cruel parts. Once you've truly mastered the Art of Hypocrisy, you'll be able to easily and creatively change your story and your excuses from day to day, week to week, and person to person.

It's also important to deliberately insert yourself between both people, so you can insist that the expectation of loyalty on the part of The Fuck-ee is unreasonable. Place yourself directly on top of the (picket) fence (see Technique Number 10: Play Both Sides of the Fence) between them, bounce up and down a bit, and then complain loudly about how much it hurts and how unfair it was for The Fuck-ee to force you up there to start with. The wonderful tie-in to this is the fact that YOU now get to do all the things YOU accused the EX of doing: Lying, having double standards, avoiding self-knowledge, blaming other people, using people, showing no regard for boundaries, playing the martyr, disrespecting people they say they care about . . . the list goes on and on.

If, by some stroke of bad luck, the ex should find out about the disparaging remarks you've been making, don't panic. There are all KINDS of classic lies and rationalizations you can use! Start by accusing The Fuck-ee of lying about your supposed remarks. Use tears if you can squeeze them out; they make the lies and the faux-pain behind them look MUCH more authentic. Deny ever having said anything nasty or unkind about the ex. If that should fail to wash, and if you decide to make a quick lateral move for martyr status (see Technique Number 8: Play the Martyr), blame The Fuck-ee for whatever you were discovered to have said. Insist that you didn't say anything directly, but only concurred with The Fuck-ee because you were manipulated into it; you felt FORCED to make those statements in order to placate the obviously deranged Fuck-ee! This tactic is nearly foolproof; after all, the ex really has no way of finding out the ACTUAL truth about all the invectives you've been tossing their way. And as long as you surround yourself with sycophants who have been playing along with you and can be relied upon to NOT call you on your shit, you're set! See how much fun it can be playing two people off each other?

3) When Caught in Your Duplicity, Hit the Fuck-ee's Hot Buttons. Utilize the knowledge gained during the "friendship" period to inflict the most damage possible. All's fair in love and war -- and the undeclared guerrilla war is the most fun to fight! (And remember, button-pushing can be accomplished using language that's not obviously aggressive; this subtlety will come in handy when you get to Technique Number 8: Play the Martyr!) After all, you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. For example, if you know that The Fuck-ee experiences exclusion jealousy, emphasize how much fun the social function (you know, the one you neglected to tell them about in the first place -- for their own good, of course) was, how many other people were there, etc. This has the added benefit of setting you up to take maximum advantage of Technique Number 4, which is . . .

4) Get Angry if The Fuck-ee Expresses Hurt at Your Behavior. This is especially important if the behavior was inconsistent with your previous statements (see Technique Number 2 above). Remember, showing compassion and respect for your friendís feelings might actually resolve a problem, and that means WORK ó and raised expectations, to boot! The WDS Institute is especially fond of the multipurpose Technique Number 4, which can be used to avert any number of potentially disastrous insights.

In order to escalate the hurt feelings and secure your own martyr status, it is vitally important to invalidate and belittle your friend's feelings. Imply or openly state that they are being unreasonable, overreacting, emotionally unstable, etc. - Get angry at them for having the gall to expect YOU to show any compassion.

Most important of all: NEVER, EVER apologize or show remorse. An apology is perilously close to an admission on your part that you may have done something inconsiderate, disrespectful, or discourteous. Additionally, an actual apology might trigger the regrowth of a spine, and the techniques described herein are virtually impossible to execute if your vertebrae are intact.

Also favored by WDS strategists in these situations is The Spin-Art Tactic: Tell everyone how MANIPULATIVE and CONTROLLING The Fuck-ee is to burden and abuse you so unfairly by expressing any feelings of hurt or betrayal at your duplicity and head-tripping inconsistency. Remember, THEY'RE the Villain/Persecuter here, not YOU!

5) Withdraw and Blame The Fuck-ee for Your Silence. Make no effort whatsoever to talk to The Fuck-ee about what the problem might be; storm out of the house, dole out liberal doses of The Silent Treatment, and break any commitments you made, to punish your friend for actually CARING. To properly craft your attitude, see the following excerpt from Dr. P.C. Dodge's seminal work, "I'm Not Responsible for Your Feelings":

"Remember, you should be able to do ANYTHING you want to do without regard for how it might affect your friend. Your friend's selfish feelings of exclusion or hurt shouldn't matter to you. If you can, be sure to use (or imply, at the very least) the phrase, 'Your feelings are your own. I'm not responsible for your feelings.' Most essential is the deliberate distortion of: 'showing care and consideration for your friend's feelings' into 'being responsible for your friend's happiness'. Insist that the former (rumored to be an essential part of a so-called healthy relationship) is tantamount to the latter (which is deemed to be co-dependent and unhealthy). Use phrases like, 'If I showed consideration for your feelings, it would mean I wouldn't get to do what *I* want!' It's all about convenience--YOUR convenience!"

And speaking of convenience -- conveniently forget the indignation and hurt that YOU felt when one of YOUR partners had been inconsiderate of YOUR feelings. That was then; this is now. The WDS promotes the Double Standard; as an apt pupil, it's important for you to master this skill. Besides, you already know how much more important YOUR feelings and YOUR convenience are than anyone else's, right? Of COURSE you do!

Sure, you COULD, in theory, have made other choices that took The Fuck-ee's feelings into account; or, even more drastically, you could have actually TALKED to The Fuck-ee about what you were doing ahead of time. But remember, those courses of action not only shift the focus away from the rightful Center of It All -- YOU -- they also can involve radical inconveniences like compromise and moral fortitude on your part. Just because you expect lovers and close friends to take YOUR feelings into consideration first and foremost doesn't mean YOU should have to do that for THEM. (Remember that all-important Double Standard!) Your own personal state and emotional problems exempt you from the onerous demands of ethical behavior. After all, you've had it so rough all your life, you DESERVE to do whatever you want. It would be such a SACRIFICE on your part, such a DENIAL of your basic NEEDS if you didn't socialize with someone you'd called a pathetic loser scant weeks ago. Besides, it's just so much FUN to play your friend, The Fuck-ee, for a fool! It's such great DRAMA to sneak around behind The Fuck-ee's back (and complain about the fact that you HAVE to, because The Fuck-ee's UNREASONABLE expectations of integrity mean that you have to try and hide your duplicity!), play sweetness and light to The Fuck-ee's face, and play the ex off The Fuck-ee. It sure beats actually facing up to, and working on, your OWN shit!

You must always keep your goals in mind: Avoidance of any responsibility whatsoever for your friend's feelings, and getting whatever you want whenever you want it. (No delayed gratification here!) Causing maximum damage in the process earns you bonus points! You must never let yourself be distracted by the petty considerations of others. Once you allow THAT to happen, scary stuff like introspection and responsibility and change won't be far behind!

6) Use Emotional Blackmail and Manipulation. This is a terrific way to suck The Fuck-ee into playing all kinds of head-games. If The Fuck-ee still has delusions of having a life of their own, make them feel guilty for "leaving you out." Try to insinuate yourself into activities that clearly shouldn't include you, then act dejected when the inevitable rejection comes.

If the inclinations are right, you can also try to guilt your friend into having sex with you. Try some of the following lines:

- "Aw c'mon! Why NOT?"
- "Everyone ELSE is sleeping with someone else tonight and I'M all alone!"
- "What's the harm? You're kicking me out in a couple of weeks anyway!"
- "I haven't gotten laid in [maximum pity number] weeks . . . !"

When wheedling fails, throw in little digs about how mean-spirited The Fuck-ee's rejections are. If The Fuck-ee starts a new relationship, make sure to do your level best to insinuate yourself into it. There may be relationship problems that you can exploit to your advantage -- or even CREATE! If The Fuck-ee calls you on your interference, be sure to have that trusty book of excuses ready!

It's also fun to play "helpful" in order to embarrass The Fuck-ee in front of the ex. Cast yourself as The Rescuer, cast The Fuck-ee as The Victim, and put on a show in front of the ex. (Audience composition is vital here.) When The Fuck-ee gets upset over the set-up, get angry and say you were JUST trying to HELP! If excuses fail and The Fuck-ee goes so far as to ask you not to put on that show again, and to question why you're still cozying up to the ex after all the negative and indicting comments you've made, get indignant. Distort the request so that you can accuse The Fuck-ee of TELLING you not to do things you really NEED to do, of trying to CONTROL your LIFE. This is a great way to re-cast The Fuck-ee as The Persecutor in one swift motion, while YOU get to rage from Victim Stance. So little effort, so much fun! Accuse The Fuck-ee of being like your former persecutors -- an ex-spouse or abusive family member will do nicely. This deflects the issue away from YOUR bad behavior and non-existent ethics, puts an extra-nasty spin on your mis-characterization of The Fuck-ee's behavior, AND allows you to be angry at The Fuck-ee for actually having the audacity to ask you to consider THEIR feelings in anything you might do. Remember, Deflection and Projection are the name of the game!

7) Run Hot and Cold. Complete inconsistency can double your pleasure, double your fun! Act nice and friendly one day, cold and distant the next; be talkative and open one day, sullen and secretive the next. Try calling The Fuck-ee up late at night and asking for that new friend's number. Don't give any explanation, though; it's much more fun to put them on edge and make them ask. Remember, it's okay to do something two-faced behind The Fuck-ee's back (while making sure that The Fuck-ee knows or finds out about it, of course), as long as you invite The Fuck-ee to do something fun with you later. They should be GRATEFUL for all of the careful attention and consideration you've lavished on them! (For more on the gratitude they should be feeling, see Technique Number 8: Play the Martyr.)

Another stellar hot/cold technique is to encourage The Fuck-ee to count on you, to lean on you. Then, just when The Fuck-ee seems most vulnerable, most in need of the understanding and support you've been pretending to offer, YANK the rug out from under them! Tell them they're being too demanding, too much of an emotional burden. Remind them of all YOUR issues, and insist that you just can't possibly KNOW where your (shifting with every breeze of personal convenience, quicksand-like) boundaries are until someone crosses them! (Oh, Woe! Oh, WEEPING Woe!). Which leads right into . . .

8) Play the Martyr. This is a VERY important WDS technique, and is essential to your image if you want to avoid having that tell-tale whiff of fresh turd linger around you. Do damage to your friend's trust by enacting Techniques 1 through 7; then try inviting The Fuck-ee out to another function with you, and act disgusted when they fail to show proper gratitude for this display of "caring." Focus on Technique Number 5, avoiding any contact with The Fuck-ee and deflecting any attempts at discussion. (We can't emphasize this enough: Talking has been known to lead to actual COMMUNICATION, which MUST be avoided AT ALL COSTS!) Insist that you weren't angry with your friend when, say, you stormed out of the house -- you were just emotionally exhausted by all the unrealistic expectations. Use phrases like "I'm DONE!" to let The Fuck-ee know that respecting their boundaries is just TOO much WORK for you, and that you are FINISHED being tyrannized by such utterly unreasonable demands. Heaven forefend that your friend's feelings should put a crimp in anything YOU want to do! Remember, being a friend is an all-take/no-give scenario the minute things get inconvenient!

If The Fuck-ee has bent over backward to help you in the past and has stood loyally by you, but keeps expecting things like honesty and courtesy from you, accuse them of victimizing and trapping you. Rant about "the status quo," and about how you're not getting the preferential treatment you deserve. Assume responsibility for doing things that The Fuck-ee never asked you to do, and then complain when the BURDEN is just too MUCH. Encourage The Fuck-ee to vent and talk about their problems, then when the time is right -- preferably when you have done something to pull the rug out from under The Fuck-ee -- SLAM The Fuck-ee for burdening poor you with their problems! When The Fuck-ee is in the worst throes of the relationship break-up, make sure that you kick them when they're down; accuse The Fuck-ee of "treating people like shit" and neglecting YOU. Dig up old hurts from months ago, making the actual events blurred, difficult to corroborate, and nearly impossible to rectify. Even better, invent injurious things that The Fuck-ee never did or said, so you have a reason to be angry with them -- and, coincidentally, so you can deflect any attention from YOUR behavior.

Complain loudly to other friends (if they are mutual friends, so much the better!) about how MUCH you've DONE for The Fuck-ee, how you TRY to help but it's never ENOUGH, and how unREASONable it is for them to expect you to make a CHOICE or be LOYAL or back up your WORDS with ACTIONS. Express indignation that your friend The Fuck-ee still doesn't trust you, after ALL you've DONE for them. (Of course, it's highly advisable, when relating your tale of woe to others, to gloss over the duplicitous things that you have said and done. Some people just can't understand those kinds of realities, and the misunderstanding might undermine your martyr status.)

If you're lucky enough to have a history of abuse and personal problems, by all means use it as an unassailable excuse for your behavior. Make these problems the reasons why it's so unreasonable to expect actual WORK and consideration for someone ELSE'S feelings from you. Remember, you don't want lasting, healthy friendships. They're downright dangerous; to keep them going, people think they have to be loyal and honest with you, and they keep expecting the same in return. Not only does that require FAR too much effort on your part, it also subordinates your need for instant gratification. No one else's feelings can matter if they get in the way of YOUR getting what YOU want, WHEN you want it! Emotional intimacy and compassion are overrated anyway.

If you play your cards right and have worked Techniques 1 through 8 to their fullest, The Fuck-ee should eventually break off their relationship with you, further heightening your martyr status -- and giving you an easy "out," so you won't have to make those pesky, tough decisions! See how easy it is?

9) Evade Responsibility; Plead Confusion. The exclamations "Well, I changed my mind!" or "I'm just so CONFUUUUUUSED!" can be effective tools for avoiding personal responsibility and making commitments. Remember Techniques 2 and 7; keep The Fuck-ee unsteady by making sure that your statements and actions are inconsistent, and change from day to day or week to week. If anyone calls you on it, move directly to righteous indignation: "I changed my mind! I'm allowed to change my MIND, aren't I?!?" Express shock and dismay at WHY The Fuck-ee would view this dramatic inconsistency as a reason not to trust you. Consistency would take actual WORK on your part, and Delicate Flowers such as yourself don't DO actual WORK. At least, not without getting PAID for it!

10) Play Both Sides of the Fence. Talking out of both sides of your face is a tactic that should only be attempted by the more skillful double-dealers. Remember, this is different from direct hypocrisy (see Technique Number 2); Technique Number 10 involves telling different stories to other people, knowing full well that The Fuck-ee will uncover this duplicity too. It's much more subtle -- and perpetration is fun, because it doesn't involve any messy confrontation. While telling The Fuck-ee that you think the ex is an abuser and a dangerous sociopath, for example, try telling other friends how unfortunate you think it is that The Fuck-ee feels such a need to "demonize" the ex. If executed properly, this technique can destabilize a number of friends at once, pitting them against one another and maximizing the potential for drama.

Defend your territory! Tell other people who try to get close to The Fuck-ee that you will kick their asses if they hurt or screw-over your friend. After all, yanking your friend's chain is YOUR job now that the ex is gone!

It's important to play both sides of the fence in a really messy relationship breakup; after all, you never know who'll come out on top -- and YOU want to be on the side of the winner, ethics and loyalty be damned. So WHAT if it's a picket fence? The truly dedicated manipulator/revisionist will straddle that puppy for all he/she's WORTH! Remember, this isn't about supposed moral fortitude, it's about taking the easy road, wherever it lies and wherever it goes. And donít forget that you can also get some ego strokes and validation from the attention that the ex pays you. Even if they HAVE used you in the past, that's not what matters; what counts is the fact that theyíre providing the attention you crave. You've gotta get your ego strokes wherever you can!

In closing, we'd like to remind all potential students that, if they can pass the WDS Institute's friendship fuck-up program with flying colors, they may be on the list for actual FUCKING with WDS Himself! Remember the Head-Master's slogan: "Now that I've finished fucking with your mind, can I fuck with your body?" And just think: WDS is already so slimy, there's no lubrication required!

So heed the call and sign up for the program! The WDS Institute courses are probably the only one's you'll ever complete; there's no real work involved, self-knowledge is not a pre-requisite, and the ability to follow through on anything is actually a detriment to getting top marks. As for the cost, it's FREE! The only thing you'll pay is the price of your integrity, but hey, who needs integrity when there's self-inflicted martyrdom right there for the taking?

Copyright© Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 2000, All Rights Reserved

Copying or reproduction (in whole or in part) on any medium (such as in print or on the web) is expressly forbidden without written permission from HBI

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