I view the
mall as a waste at the best of times. During the holidays, which seem to now be
from Halloween to January, it’s a special kind of hell. The crowds of cranky
people, the jockeying for parking, the pop-star-of-the-month Christmas covers,
the aggressive or stressed-out sales people… it all makes me psychotic.
I also resent
the pressure to find “the perfect gift,” and last-minute-shopping makes my
All of the
aside, I do enjoy the holidays. In order to not have my Christmas ruined by the
malls and the overpriced shops downtown and the shiny junk and the lines, I do
it all online. It’s heartless and geeky and efficient and it lets me take the
time to make candy
cane cookies because I’m not a) at the mall or b) waiting for Deathwing to
post bail for me because of an “incident” at the mall.
Just call me
cards online. Buy Christmas
music online. Buy a wreath.
lights. Buy paper. Have it delivered to your door while you watch White
Christmas for the millionth line, singing along to the “Sisters” song,
making sure to glare menacingly at your sister’s boyfriend while grinding out
“Woe to the mister who comes between me and my sister…”
online. In fact, calculate
shipping online and buy and print your shipping labels online. Then drop
your package in the mail box on the corner and avoid the holiday rush. Heck,
you can look up zip codes and fill out customs forms… you can do it all.
Or you can
ship directly to recipients, which especially if you’re using…
“Wish Lists” at different stores. Shop via
catalogue to find pants in your sister’s size, because you know that mall will
be sold out of the size and color she wants and the sales clerk will be busy with
the ten million other people in the store all doing last minute shopping. Peruse
other people’s wish lists. Direct different relatives to each other’s wish
lists when they messenger to say “I don’t know what to get your sister and while
I have you here what did you say to the Muffin Man when the three of you were
watching White Christmas because he
was acting all huffy…”
your sister via e-mail to get something cool for your mom once she’s forgiven
you for “threatening” her boyfriend.
Give to charity online. Sign up to work at a soup
online to see The Nutcracker.
Comparison shop at different sites. Look up recipes. Save your time and gas for
the good parts and avoid the spirit-breaking shopping centers.
Christmas hate mail from the malls,