Honesty - Being able to SPELL the word, isn't enough...
I've had enough of men who insist on lying to "protect"
My past isn't lily-white, but I'd
like to think I've matured somewhat over the years, to the extent that
I don't sit around attempting to rationalize or justify my mistakes.
Aside from the fact that it is incredibly patronizing, (and even
who use the "protection" crap are really just trying to
protect themselves from the work and effort that honesty
requires - and yes, sometimes the pain. These "protectors" are rarely
genuinely concerned about hurting the other person - more
likely they are worried about losing something in the process, and
getting hurt themselves. It's the quintessential "cake and eat it too"
syndrome - and they think they can have it by lying, or creative lies of
Take the guy who decided that "honesty" in relationships
doesn't work: He was "dating" someone, and yes, sleeping with her.
We'll call her Woman A. He takes off on his own for a resort vacation.
(ostensibly because he's stressed out - never mind that the stress
is largely his own doing). At the vacation spot,
he meets and starts messing around with another woman. We'll call her
Woman B. Woman B is from another country. She is travelling through the
U.S, and arranges to come by and visit this man for a few days after the
resort tryst has ended.
Now comes his one attempt at honesty. (We can't call it "sincerity", 'cause
it reeks of self-absorbed insensitivity). When he arrives home, does he
immediately tell the woman he is dating about what happened, and what
is going to happen? Does
he talk about her feelings for her, and where he wants the relationship
with her to go? Has he ever talked about these things with her?
Of course not. No. He waits until Valentine's day,
goes to bed with her, and then can't sleep, knowing that Woman B is arriving
that day (it's already the wee hours, you see). He was going to tell her
that night, but she confided in him about someone breaking up with her
and hurting her badly on Valentine's day, so he felt guilty.
But alas! He realizes he can't put it off any longer, so he wakes her up,
and tells her that he met someone during his vacation, and that she is
coming to visit him. And stay with him. For several days.
Bully for him. He told the truth. What do you
think Woman A did? Had a fit, right? Right! Now, I normally don't
advocate violence, but I think a knee to the groin at that point
would have been justifiable.... But no, she just cries and gets
upset and wonders what she did wrong. Of course everything just goes
horribly at that point cause this jerk is clueless about emotional intimacy,
sharing, connectedness, tenderness, compassion, listening, caring,
and a whole host of other important communications and relationship
fundamentals...And of course, he has known all along that she is more emotionally
involved with him, than he is with her. (The story of his life, it would
seem, and the lives of so many others like him.)
I really think that he was more concerned about coming off looking like an asshole
than he was about her feelings.
So he uses that
as his excuse for why "honesty doesn't work - it only hurts people".
Fer Chrissakes! He tells her, IN BED, ON VALENTINE'S DAY, THE DAY
THE OTHER WOMAN IS ARRIVING. What a jerk. The man could give
lessons on fecal distribution! ("How to be a perfect anus in just 3 easy
lessons") This is the kind of guy who
deliberately places himself in these kinds of situations, coming clean
at the last minute, so he can point the finger at the OTHER person
and say they were being unreasonable. Or conversely, he can use it
to validate his twisted logic about honesty, and his lack thereof.
After all he was honest.
Just far far far too little, waaaaaaay too late. I have more compassion
under my little fingernail, than this guy has in his whole body,
- and I'm a Heartless Bitch!
But back to my diatribe^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H story....
So the relationship with Woman A breaks off, with Woman A incredibly
hurt, and the guy feeling sort of guilty but mostly relieved. It seems
he really wasn't interested in anything long term with Woman A anyways...
(It's okay if you feel like you want to smack him right now)
The guy then plans a
trip to visit Woman B in her country of origin. But in the intervening interval, he meets
Woman C (!), and gets romantically involved with her. Woman C is also from another
country. Surprisingly enough, the SAME country as Woman B! So he decides
to dip his pecker in two birdponds on one trip. But does he tell the
women about each other? Of course not! Look what happened the LAST time
he tried to be honest, after all! This makes for a very tense and stressful
trip, so he comes back all confused. Fate (and his pecker)
seem to be making life tough for him...
The poor bastard.
It seems one of the women sensed something wasn't quite
right, and he was uncomfortable with her the whole time.
(You may break out your violins now). He feels that
all this relationship stress that he is under (including the work stress he has done
to himself), is an excuse to act like an asshole. It gives him the right
to be a self-centered, insensitive jerk. This guy is 35 years old, and
how does he tell someone he wants to break off a relationship? Well,
he either "accidentally" fucks it up by fucking someone else, or he gives
the woman "the cold shoulder" till she "gets the message". Can YOU say
puerile?! I knew you could. I know teenagers with more maturity than
So what happened to Woman B and Woman C?
I don't know. The guy had
no real desire to put any genuine emotional effort into his relationships,
and he affected an entirely feigned interest in alternative solutions.
Which means that he solicited advice and then proceded to attack every
alternative in an attempt to validate the path he chose. He didn't really
listen, and he didn't really care about the other people involved.
When asked if he loved either of the two women, he said he didn't know what love was.
The classic cop-out. (Girls, if you EVER hear a man say those words, RUN. Run Far. Run Fast,
and don't look back.)
He was completely wrapped up in how difficult this whole situation was for him.
And, of course, the moment someone tells him his actions and behavior are
hurting other people, he accuses them of making a "personal attack". It is a
I got sick of the whole mess, and this guy's inability to be honest with himself or
One can only hope that both of the women wised up and told
him to fuck off and die.
Honesty begins at the beginning. Not when you are backed into a corner.
True honesty and trust in a relationship are NOT about coming clean after the fact.
And if you think you have to lie to be compassionate and caring, then you
REALLY don't have a CLUE.....
Yes, he is a real person. No, I won't publish his name, BUT, if you are
dating some attractive, intelligent, charming guy who seems incapable
of committment and emotional intimacy/maturity..... follow your intuition and WALK.
There is no such thing as a "Diamond in the Rough", and there is no such
thing as an "allowable" level of dishonesty in an Adult relationship.