"RANTS" Archive

What's Wrong with Nice Guys?

The Manipulator Files
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Pithy Putdowns to fend off Pugnacious Pigs

(Updated: Feb 8, 1997)

Save your breath for your inflatable girlfriend.

My vibrator is bigger than that, and it has a higher IQ too.

"Wanna fuck?" -- Why would I fuck you, Your hand won't!

My oh my you could fuck a hampster with that dick!

I never knew they measured dicks in the negative integers.

Is that your dick... or have you jammed your finger up your ass?

How do you piss without getting soaked?

I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be listed under accidents.

You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both feet.

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in your skull?

You have nothing to fear from my baser instincts; its my finer ones that tell me to kill you.

You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

You possess an intellect rivaled only by garden tools

When your IQ rises to 28, sell.

YOU are walking advertisement for a state-sponsored sterility program

Wouldn't clues have more room to fit in your head if you got rid of some of the shit in there?

I can see that you are flirting with intelligence but getting the cold shoulder in return.

My Irish Setter has a higher IQ.

Is your "masturbator's-elbow" making it difficult to type?

I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

I'd call you a pea-brain, but I don't think you deserve the compliment.

I'll bet you couldn't count your balls and get the same answer twice.

You are a classic case of cranio-rectal inversion.

You are about as deep as your reflection in a mirror.

Yet another idiot suffering from diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the ideas.

You must be the kind of person who gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences

If sex appeal were dynamite, you couldn't blow the cobwebs off your own balls.

I suppose I should have some sympathy for your handicap. You are obviously paralyzed from the neck up.

You are obviously suffering from Clue Deficit Disorder.

There's nothing wrong with you that couldn't be cured with a little Prozac and a polo mallet.

Yet another guy who is vaginally challenged, and preoccupied with the problem.

Why don't you just open your mind and shut your mouth, both are empty anyway.

I already have one asshole in my pants, I don't need two.

Act your age, not your dick size!

It's not you, it's me-- I think you are a jerk.

Save it, asshole, for the 900-number bitches that you pay to actually listen to your shit!

My interest in you ceased the moment the word 'sweetheart' came out of your mouth.

I'm sorry honey, I just don't have the energy to fake it tonight.

I heard you the first time, I was just ignoring you.

You may have a dick but at least I have balls.

If you're looking for sympathy, you can find it in the Dictionary between shit and syphillis.

Listen sweetie, you can't do anything for me that I can't do fer myself with a water-pic shower massage, so get a life (somewhere else)!

You must be a LOT better in bed than you look.

I'm not into stroking, and that includes egos.

I'm not going to act submissive so that some fuckwit like YOU can get a hard-on.

Being a Bitch gives me more satisfaction than you do, honey.

Excuse me, do I look desperate to you? No? Well then why did you bother asking such a stupid question?

I'm too aggressive and opinionated?? Maybe you should go cruise the high-schools for a girl who is more your speed.

No, I DON'T have a headache, you are just not turning me on!

You know, you could be arrested for trying to impersonate a human being, asshole, so why don't you close your mouth before someone sticks an apple in it?!

There are few men and you're not one of them.

You can't possibly be THAT Fucking stupid.

Don't flatter yourself. Dogshit looks better.

When I need someone to: spend my money, drink my whiskey, and tell me what to do; I'll fuckin' let you know.

A retarded fifth-grader called and he wants his witty retort back.

I'm sure you've heard this before honey, I FAKED IT !!!!

If I had wanted to talk to somebody with your IQ, I would be at the damn supermarket talking to the produce...

Is talking out of your ass an acquired trait or an hereditary one?

What are you going to be when you grow up, sport? A speed bump?

If I had wanted to hear from an asshole, I would have farted.

Yeah, I'd love to fuck your brains out, but apparently someone BEAT ME TO IT!!!"

My goal is to find an intelligent man... but you don't qualify.

Suck your own dick asshole--just be careful not to suck your brains out.

Why yes, I AM a castrating bitch, and I'd emasculate you if you had anything I could chop off.

The dweeb says: "Hey come and sit on my face"
Her response: "Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?"

It's not that I don't like you...it's that you are annoying as FUCK.

Fight global warming: shut your mouth.

Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.

You wouldn't know a clue if it walked up to you, bit you on the ass, and announced 'I AM A CLUE'.

If your dick was as big as your mouth, you would be at home fucking someone instead of bothering me!!!

Your good looks and charm, together with a subway token, might get you on the train.

Sorry, I like 'em a little higher on the food chain.

Dweeb says: "Do You Come Here Often?"
She says: "Nooooo, Only when I have Gonorrhea."

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

And in Response to: "You have an attitude problem...."

  • Your opinion means a lot to us here at "Fuck-You World...but you're holding up the line.

  • Dial 1-800-suck-my-dick

  • ...And you have the IQ of a cornflake.

  • I would really love to sit and talk with you...but there are a million more assholes I have to dig today!

  • I've got the attitude...and you've got the problem.

  • I'm bad with or without my attitude.

  • hahahahahahahahaha

  • Do you say that to everyone who doesn't like you?

  • That's funny, it doesn't feel like a problem. (this is best when uttered with a sweet smile)

  • It's obviously not bad enough...you're still here.

  • You'd better watch out! My attitude can become your problem real quick.

  • I'll make you a deal...if you won't criticize my attitude, I won't criticize your ignorance.

  • Not always, just around stupid people.

  • Gee, I didn't think you were smart enough to notice.

  • Why, thank you.

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