"RANTS" Archive

What's Wrong with Nice Guys?

The Manipulator Files
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Rules for Men (as written by Women)

  1. Call.
  2. Don't lie.
  3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
  4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
  5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
  6. Don't expect her to clean up after YOUR buddies have been over.
  7. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
  8. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
  9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
  10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
  11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
  12. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is tacky.
  13. Unless she likes that sort of thing.
  14. If you ARE going to get her lingerie, get her the kind of things SHE likes to wear - NOT what YOU'D like to see her in.
  15. And for god's sake, get her size right. It's not THAT hard.
  16. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
  17. If you don't want another mother, don't act like a child.
  18. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
  19. Don't buy the $9.99/dozen roses on the way home -- They tell her you are not only unimaginative, you're cheap.
  20. Her cooking is excellent.
  21. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
  22. You are a capable adult. Don't feign incompetence around the house in some feeble attempt to get her to "do it for you".
  23. Notice when the floor crunches beneath your feet. You too can learn to use a broom (or vaccuum).
  24. Dishsoap is your friend.
  25. Learn to clean in and around a toilet. Especially since YOU are the one who "misses" it.
  26. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
  27. Five O'Clock stubble has all the erotic qualities of sandpaper.
  28. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
  29. You too, can learn to iron your shirts.
  30. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
  31. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
  32. Two words: clean socks.
  33. Two MORE words: clean underwear.
  34. Believe it or not, you're probably NOT more attractive when you're drunk.
  35. Burping is not sexy.
  36. Farting ceases to be funny after the 7th grade.
  37. Making excuses for being an ass is bad. Learning how to admit you were wrong and apologize, is good.
  38. Supportive is good. Patronizing is bad.
  39. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
  40. Ditto for your discourse on football.
  41. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
  42. She might show more interest in YOUR hobbies if you genuinely show some interest in HERS.
  43. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
  44. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
  45. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
  46. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
  47. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
  48. Basic courtesy and respect for feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
  49. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
  50. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
  51. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
  52. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
  53. Always, always suck up to her brother.
  54. The underwear your mother buys you is NOT sexy.
  55. Think boxers.
  56. Silk boxers.
  57. Unless you have a GQ body. Then think French Cut. Silk French Cut.
  58. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
  59. Don't expect HER to remember your mother's birthday or buy the gift.
  60. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
  61. Learn to dress yourself. Men's clothing comes in more colors than blue, black and grey, and more styles than t-shirts and jeans.
  62. Her haircut is never bad.
  63. Don't let your friends pick on her.
  64. Don't ask her to fix your friends up with HER friends.
  65. Call.
  66. Don't lie.
  67. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

A man responds to the aforementioned rules...

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