The "Nice Guys" archive

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Comments - round 1.5
Comments - round 1
Nice Guys = BLEAH!
Nice Guys we can do without

REAL Nice Guys Don't Finish Last

by , nice guy

For all the "nice guy" losers out there, here are some things that you need to get through your thick skull before you complain about women who abuse you because of your "nice guy" image. Read on, study and learn, before you die a virgin:

  1. Women are human. They are not goddesses to whom you must surrender every ounce of your will in order to receive affection. Try having a spine for a change.

  2. Don't spend every waking hour around, on the phone with, or tailing behind your lady. Get some friends for chrissakes.

  3. Saying "I love you" is fine. Saying it every 2 seconds is not.

  4. Same for "I need you" (or any similar emotion-leeching comments)

  5. Rule 3 goes double for crying.

  6. Some women have very complex psychological problems. Same said women are beyond your rehabilitative capabilities. Save your attention for someone sane enough to appreciate it.

  7. Never EVER assume that a second date means that you're hoplessly in love with each other. It just means that you are not a rapist, stalker, blatant chauvinist, or completely unattractive.

  8. There are women who will flirt with you, get you to buy them drinks, dinner, or gifts (depending on how clueless you actually are) and unceremoniously dump you when they are done with you. Get real, get over it, and don't let it happen again.

  9. Don't answer a question with "I don't care", if you really do.

  10. Above all else, COMMUNICATE! If you have a problem, disagree, or just feel like something is bugging you, tell her! How can you fix something if you are the only person who knows that it's broken? THINK man, think. It will always save trouble in the end.

Now, i'm not saying that being a spineless wuss is bad, just that it is as unattractive as being the self-centered, muscle-brained pretty boy who swears that all women live for him and him only. Being a total gentleman is good; having tire tracks up your backside & feeling like roadkill all the time isn't. Take heed, and live well.

February 13, 2000 Addendum:

"Real Nice Guys Don't Finish Last"; the title of my inspired contribution to the greatest website ever spawned by cyberspace, has become the bane of my existence.

When I wrote the article, my intentions were to help my love starved (brainless), sappy (moronic), womanless (and deservedly so) brethren who just can't seem to get it into their primitively sloped foreheads that if you want a Real Woman (a.k.a. Heartless B.I.T.C.H.), then you HAVE to be a Real Guy (a.k.a. Heartless B.A.S.T.A.R.D., which to me stands for Be a Strong Thinker and Radical Doer).

My article was honest, sincere, and should be a basic guideline for every guy who is currently dating a H.B...

Women seem to agree with me; I have received positive e-mails from around the world from women who are literally ecstatic that a non-estrogen based human being actually "gets it". Too bad the rest of my simian-regenerate compadres who share my basic physiological make-up fail to "get it" (and as such, probably haven't gotten it for a while).

My workday cannot pass unless I receive an e-mail from some moron (who hereafter will be referred to as "e-moron") who, unable to confess to himself that his dating life is a mere shadow of what it should be, instead chooses to abate his frustration by "blasting" the guy who was nice enough to point out many (but not all) of his shortcomings in the hopes that this e-moron would actually try to fix them. These post-op lobotomies actually think that I'm the dateless wuss (far from true; I just refuse to date anyone who isn't a H.B.) who's striking out at them because I'm "socially challenged".

Well let's set the record straight.

Every time one of you H.B.'s read my article, send me an e-mail stating whether you agree with me or not; every time one of you e-morons read the article, do the same. I will personally tally up all of the yays & nays and submit the results to her mighty webmistress six months from the date that this is posted.

Let's settle this once & for all ladies & gentlemen; would you rather have a Heartless Bastard, or an e-moron? I eagerly await your response.

, Real Nice Guy, & Heartless B.A.S.T.A.R.D 'til I croak!

Copyright© Lewis King & Heartless Bitches International ( 1999

Forward this ARTICLE to someone who needs to answer the CLUE PHONE

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