Letter from a Reformed Nice Guy
Hello all you heartless bitches and nice guys,
I can proudly say I am a reformed nice guy. I was a nice guy my whole life, with the exception of a few years in college. The difference between those years and the years prior was confidence and a general distaste for any kind of relationship or girlfriend of any type. It wasn't that I had anything against women or dating, it was that I had different priorities. Having fun with friends and finishing school were my main priorities at that time in my life. It wasn't all about girls or dating or trying to meet "that special someone" (yuk!). It was all about fun and, most importantly ME! I don't know what it was, but at some subconscious level, my life had gone from being all about others to being all about myself. It was truly amazing. I have never had more fun or had more success with women than I did in that time. I didn't really have a girlfriend at that time, but I did a lot of dating and had a lot of fun.
But then I graduated. And moved home. And suddenly I was a nice guy again, bending over backwards to please all the people I had been pleasing my whole life. I began hanging out with a bit of an older crowd, all getting married and having kids and all that. For some reason, I thought that was what I was supposed to do, too. I ended up meeting a girl who moved into town from LA and I was just crazy about her. She had a boatload of emotional baggage along with her, and, just as parts of your column say, I thought I could provide the normalcy and stability that someone who is moving away from all her problems needed. We proceeded to have a great relationship for a few months until things hit the skids. I was no longer looking to have fun with my friends. I was no longer worried about myself, only her and myself. We ended up splitting up two days after my birthday (which happens to be 2 days after Christmas). Happy freaking new year, huh? This girl was a "heartless bitch" but it was only because I let her be one. Things were bad for weeks, but I continued to let stuff slide in order to salvage this sham of a relationship I was basing my life upon. I tried bringing up the fact that I was unhappy, only to reluctantly agree when she said she didn't want to talk about it. She ended up suggesting "taking a break" (ultimate loser don't-want-to-hurt-his-feelings dump) and never talking to me again after. My life was falling apart. My confidence was shattered and all I wanted was someone new to fill the void that she left. So I began the "chase" as I called it. I would go meet a girl, become completely obsessed and chase her until she got tired of it and started blowing me off. Not good for a shaken confidence, but it was actually beneficial to my cause.
I started realizing what was happening to me. I have always been big on learning from my mistakes in other facets of my life, so why not dating? I stopped putting pressure on finding my next girlfriend, and just concentrated on having fun. I then started to realize by just having fun and not hitting on every pretty face that walked by, women actually took interest in me! Imagine that? I was still a nice guy, I bought rounds at the bar, paid for cabs, subtle things that women appreciate but do not see as an overt attempt to win their fancy. But the most important thing that I learned is that some women are just not right for me. And that is ok. If I talk to a woman and hit off and end up kissing or exchanging phone numbers or whatever, I taught myself to treat that as an isolated incident that COULD signify something more. But as soon as a woman does me wrong (stops returning calls/texts, cancels plans on little or no notice, etc) then it is time to move on. I'm not saying that I would completely give up on a woman if she screwed me over somehow, but I am not going to give her my full attention or even any attention at all until she shows me that she wants it back. I now meet women all the time and am actually talking to a great girl who seems to really like me. Even if she doesn't, no big deal, there's plenty more fish in the sea.
I guess if I had to give any advice to "nice guys" like I used to be, it would be to remember what is great about yourself. During my transition, I was constantly reminding myself about the great things about me. I have an education and a great job, I'm good looking, I have a normal supportive family, I have friends that care about me and enjoy my company, etc, etc. All this equates to a desirable male. Females don't want you to tell them that you are great, they want you to show them. And if you show them that you are needy and self conscious, they are going to see that more than you telling them that you have a cool car and a 401K. Another cool trick, hang out with girls with boyfriends/fiancÚs/husbands. If you meet a girl at a party or a bar or whatever social atmosphere who has a significant other, hang out and talk with them. As nice guys, it can be assumed that we would never act on a female with a significant other, so if you talk to a woman that is taken, there is no pressure to try and get with her. It is great practice for talking to and getting to know women. I have done this several times with great success and, not to toot my own horn, I think some of them wish they didn't have the significant other by the end of our conversation.
There you have it. That's all I got to say. Hopefully this will get posted because I really related to a lot of the stuff published on this site as a former "nice guy", and I think a lot of "nice guys" can take a lot from my experience. Just keep it real, have fun, and things will happen.