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What's Wrong with Nice Guys?

The Manipulator Files
Heartless Bitches International
Deal With It!


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In the spirit of the more insipid womens' magazines, Heartless Bitches International offers the following "Do you have the makings of a Heartless Bitch?" self-test:

The Heartless Bitch Personality Filter

(concept by )

1. A woman acquaintance works two jobs supporting her unemployed husband. Your advice to her:

a. Give him time to find himself. Hopefully, he'll come around eventually.
b. Arrange an "accident" and collect on his life insurance.
c. Ditch the empty baggage. Who needs him?
d. Get him ESPN so at least he'll have something to do around the house.

2. You are driving on the highway, and a frat boy in a red Corvette rudely cuts you off. What do you do?

a. Slow down to avoid hitting him.
b. Firebomb the nearest college fraternity house.
c. Lean on the horn and flip him off, or better yet, "accidentally" dent his car's bodywork.
d. Gun the engine and race him for it.

3. You are sitting in a chair, and you see a spider on the other side of the room. What is your reaction?

a. Scream, stand on the chair, and call the nearest male to kill it for you.
b. Beat it to a pulp with your baseball bat, "Killer".
c. It's just a spider, right?
d. Huh? What?

4. A woman acquaintance calls you in tears because her loser boyfriend has just broken up with her. What do you do?

a. Comfort her, invite her over, and start planning how she can get him back. After all, what is more important than her happiness?
b. Give her directions to the nearest gun shop.
c. Pull out that pithy saying you save for these occasions: "Don't worry honey, Time wounds all heels."
d. Hit on her.

5. A male friend stands you up for a casual lunch date. What is your response?

a. He probably had some important business to do. Maybe tomorrow he'll have time.
b. I do not socialize with males.
c. He will live to regret it - barely.
d. I don't get it. What's the big deal about?

6. Your favorite character in the movie "Sliding Doors" was:

a. Gwyneth Paltrow's brunette character.
b. Jeanne Tripplehorn's character.
c. Gwyneth Paltrow's blonde character.
d. Wasn't that some kind of chick flick?

7. You like to wear:

a. Whatever the fashion designers come up with. After all, Calvin Klein is better qualified to make decisions about what goes on my body than I am.
b. Combat boots, army fatigues, and brass knuckles.
c. Whatever I feel like, duh.
d. Clothes.

8. One of your male co-workers has put up a "cheesecake" postcard of a bikini-clad beach bimbo in his office. You:

a. Feel embarassed that you don't have a body like THAT, and resolve to starve yourself for the next week to see if you can shed a few pounds.
b. Grab him by the balls and drag his sorry ass down to Human Resources to file sexual harrassment charges.
c. Make sure that the postcard is surrounded by "beefcake" cards by the next morning.
d. Think it looks cool. I mean, who cares if they are silicone, anyway?

9. You are at a bar-b-que at a friend's house, and are asked what you would like to eat. You choose:

a. Boneless, skinless chicken breast with just a light sprinkling of pepper.
b. The veggie-kabob, while you harangue everyone else about eating meat, and wave "Diet for a small planet in their faces"
c. A nice thick, juicy, New York steak, cooked rare and served with bernaise.
d. A honkin' big T-Bone, charred till none of that pink stuff is showing.

10. What do you think of the HBI web site?

a. It's terrible how these bad women are harming the reputation of nice ladies everywhere!
b. Too tame. A section on castration techniques would be a nice addition.
c. It kicks ass!
d. %#!*@ bitches

Copyright© & Heartless Bitches International (heartless-bitches.com) 1998
Copying or reproduction (in whole or in part) on any medium (such as in print or on the web) is expressly forbidden without written permission from HBI

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