A Brave New (IM)Modest Proposal
(with nods to Aldus Huxley and Jonathan Swift (for parodying his parody) )
The current state of the educational system shames modern society.
Children slip through the cracks, only to reappear in the correctional
system or welfare system. Teachers' salaries, taking into account
inflation, decrease very year. Educators earn less respect than ever
before. Politicians from the local to the state to the federal level
continue to slash budgets, making the state of education even more
desperate than before. Testing has been mandated and private schools
chartered. But the tests are grossly gender, economically, and racially
biased. Charter schools, once hailed as the great solution, are
available only to the well-to-do. In many cases, these private schools
provide as inadequate an education as the public schools.
Most disgraceful, no politician or educator, at any level, has dared to
address the issue of educational reform except at the most superficial
levels. What is called for is a complete reexamination of what our
society values. Then our educational system needs to be revamped to
reflect those values.
The United States, as the leader of the Free World, needs to provide an
educational system that reflects our values. These values are what
allowed our forefathers to lay the foundation for one of the greatest,
most just civilizations of all time. It was a departure from those
values that brought us to the challenges that we currently face as a
nation. But we can stem those problems if we return to the source, and
restructure the educational system. We shall reinstate institutes of
learning, of honor, once again emphasizing the importance of integrity,
the work ethic, intelligence, individuality, and strength of will.
I realize that I am not the first to suggest such a notion. It seems
that during every other presidential campaign that the candidates choose
to quibble, to squabble, over the hows and whys of the educational
system. How I differ from the quibblers, besides having no political
ambitions, is in having a well-formulated and ultimately feasible plan
to reform the educational system. What is more, I have carefully
researched what our society values in its citizens. Therefore, I feel
confident that my plan will appeal to the ideals of every member of this
society. I intend that my new system will reflect that which America
The first step in achieving all this lies in changing to a
dual-educational system. Both private and governmental research
indicates that students of both sexes perform better in a single-sex
environment, without the distraction of the other gender. To initially
separate the sexes would provide a service to both males and females,
allowing both genders to concentrate on their studies, rather than on
The second step in educational reform would be to track the students
once within the system, not unlike the European countries. Education
would then focus on individual development, not merely on age. Each
child would be encouraged to develop his own strengths.
Private institutions would be disallowed, unless they conformed to the
parameters of the reformation.
All children would, of course, receive a general education. Once they
mastered the general education requirements, each child would be given a
test to determine which track he would be best suited to.
The pre-tracking general educational requirements will include reading,
writing, grammar, mathematics, phonetics, geography, history, rhetoric,
language, ethics, and logic. These subjects will prepare students to
lead the free world, reflecting the highest desirable qualities of
honor, strength of will, and integrity. The four basic tracks will
include academics, business or political vocations, trades, or service
Females will receive an equal education, also designed to reflect what
our society holds dearest. Their pre-tracking general educational
requirements will include the arts of dance, make-up, charm, and beauty.
These subjects will prepare students to serve their country best, beauty
being the highest desirable quality in a female. Like the males, the
females will also be tracked into various vocations.
I know, of course, that none will object to this plan, since it does
reflect what our society holds dearest. In men, charisma, honor,
individuality, strength of will, and in women, beauty and youth.
Initially these conflicting values represented a problem, for while the
male characteristics are easy enough to test and measure for, how does
one determine beauty?
Faced with this problem, I began a careful survey into the ideals of
beauty, referring to such experts as the Disney Company, Seventeen
Magazine, Glamour Magazine, Mattel, Mabeline Cosmetics, Cover Girl,
Vogue Magazine, Calvin Klein, and numerous others who have defined and
promoted feminine beauty over the years. Through careful consultation
with these experts, I was able to come-up with a working definition of
the perfect woman.
At the height of 5 feet, the ideal woman would weigh 100 pounds, with
the measurements of 36, 24, 38. The width between her two eyes should be
1.62 inches. Her nose should not turn down, but up, at a 27 degree
angel. Skin, of course, should be flawless, with no blemishes or stretch
marks. Nipples should be rosy, buttocks firm. Lips must be .85 inches
from top to bottom, with the lower lip being .05 inches wider than the
upper lip. Facial shape may be either oval or heart-shaped. Round or
triangular faces automatically exclude a woman from academic prospects.
Preferred hair-color is strawberry blond, straight. Cosmetic changes, of
course, should be made to conform to these standards, with the use of
hair dye, corrective surgery, etc. Glasses or corrective eyewear of any
sort is strictly undesirable, but will be permitted only in the cases of
vocationally trained women, in which case contact lenses will be
mandatory. Colored contacts will be permitted for women with poor eye
Lest any one accuse me of being a racist, let me reiterate that my
findings are supported by experts in the field. Furthermore, the
preferred hair-color is the only real potential obstacle for non-white
females, easily curable through painless hair treatments.
In determining these specifics of female value, I carefully avoided the
rantings of such ugly fanatics as Betty Friedan, Germaine Greer, or any
other so-called feminist. I determined, after all, that if our society
really supported their concepts of desirable female traits, then the
Equal Rights Amendment would have been passed. As it stands today, their
concepts are held only in such out of the way places as self-styled "All
Women's Colleges." Even there, feminists there shave their legs, wear
make-up, and otherwise reaffirm my notions of societal values.
Returning to my original proposal, since the females will be educated
on a more substantial value than the abstracts that define males,
advancement will be based on physical rather than mental or social
development. Therefore, females will begin tracking at the age of
fourteen. Tracks will, as in the case of the males, be based on
The most beautiful females will receive additional training in the arts
of dress, game play, and most especially on bedroom skill; they will be
later paired with accomplished males as mistresses or concubines. This
awarding of women to men, again, should be acceptable to all, as
supported by my experts at Avon Publishers, Harlequin Publishers, and by
Johanna Lindsey. Furthermore, I have gathered from extensive viewing of
Hollywood movies and further consultation of the above-mentioned experts
that the most beautiful women can assume only the roles of either
Madonna or whore. We have no room for Madonnas in our society, since
virtue is not valued in women.
Second track women will receive additional training in the arts of
party hosting, advanced social graces, cooking, and sex. They will be
married whichever man first claims them at the age of sixteen.
Third track women will prepare themselves for a life as sexual
technicians for the vocational class of men. Given that the demand for
their services will be high, further training will be unnecessary, and
they will enter the work force at the age of 14.
Fourth track women, being the least beautiful, and therefore the least
valuable to society, shall be trained in all manner of suitable
occupations, from sanitary workers to maids to trash removal
I realize that a few misguided persons, might, after reading my
proposal, accuse me of being sexist or motivated by my own desires for
women. Let me refute that with the facts that I am myself a woman,
having no desire for other women. My time is too valuable to spend on
such pursuits, given that so much of it is taken up with