"RANTS" Archive

What's Wrong with Nice Guys?

The Manipulator Files
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Dear Nauseating Couple With Whom I Used To Be Friends:

Believe it or not, I think itís fab youíre in love. Love is great. At least it was when mastodons roamed the earth. But if you guys persist in showing us all how over the moon you are, *EVERY* *FRICKIN'* *DAY*, I may have to make a special trip to hit you. Hard. And it wonít be foreplay. Iím a nice person, you guys, and I really do believe in love, but they made that Seinfeld episode about Schmoopy for couples like you.

I know it feels like you are the two most beautiful and perfect people in the world right now, so I hate to get harsh on you, but the rest of us are NOT bathed in the glow of your passion. Some of us have lives that are hard and lonely right now and hate the thought of facing another holiday with just our puppies to kiss. No, thatís not your problem, but this first flush phase has gone on so crazy-long that I keep praying one of you does something really disgusting so you can fight about it and not look so adorably perfect to each other anymore. Somebody leave their hairs on the soap or fuck up the toothpaste so somebody canít get the last drip. Please. Iím begging you. Pick a stupid fight about nothing, like a real couple, or at least keep your never-ending schmoopiness private. It's cloying and annoying.

Because I feel hideous and unsatisfied and like Iím in second puberty and if you guys get any more nauseatingly lovey-dovey, I may hide under the bed for six months. (Not that youíd notice - both being so wrapped up in each other.)

Your Single Friend
--- Erika

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