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That Branch Up Your Ass - It Isn't Attractive

(Nov 5, 2007)

by Korin Mumford


I recently had the misfortune of being exposed to another one of those puke-inducing sentimentality emails - you know, the kind that go on and on about how a Twue Fwiend (tm) will do X, Y, and Z for you, and aren't you glad you said you loved your mother today? This one, however, was a pathetic attempt to salve the egos of a certain type of girl and at the same time reinforce the idea that she's incomplete on her own and must just wait for the man to come along, while continuing to create the ideal of women as prizes for men to compete over.

    "Tree of Life"

    Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Vomit-inducing crap. So I turned around and sent it back to the sender, along with a list of questions.

So, are you assuming you're one of the apples at the top of the tree or at the bottom?

If you're assuming you're one of the ones at the top...why? What makes you that special?

What criteria does it take for a woman to be considered one of the "rotten apples from the ground"?

Why don't you think you fit that description?

What, exactly, is this email supposed to do?

Okay, so it's a sad try at soothing the bruised egos of girls who can't get a boyfriend, right?

Have you ever wondered WHY those girls can't get a boyfriend?

Have you ever wondered why they're all so desperate to get one, anyway?

What's wrong with being happy with yourself as a whole, individual, independent person?

Why must you base your sense of self-worth on whether or not you have boys after you? You see, if you had your own inherent sense of self-worth and self-esteem, you wouldn't start to wonder "what's wrong with me?" when you're single.

Furthermore, if you're so desperate to be part of an "us" instead of just being an "I", why the hell are you sitting at the top of your tree with a branch up your ass, waiting?

Oddly enough, I haven't heard from her since. I wonder why that is...

Forward this ARTICLE to someone who needs to answer the CLUE PHONE

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