Fabulana's V-Day Rant
(Feb 11, 2008)
I'm being Pajama-grammed and Vermont Teddy Bear-grammed to death!
IS the big deal about getting laid ON the night of February 14?! (The
language of the ads imply that this is a really big deal.) There are
364 other days in the year to get laid (or in the case of this year, 365). You would think "it" would
fall off if they didn't use "it" on that day. Not to mention that all
these dumb "gifts" for her are really somehow gifts that benefit
him...explicitly! The ads invite us to picture hot models in pajamas
parading around wide-eyed men in armchairs. Gee, thanks, I want to be
your eye-candy in jersey stretch knits. I feel loved. And the teddy
bear, that's just a stand-in for HIM. Classic male thinking, really.
Here, this bear is a "love bandit" or a naughty red devil or a cuddly
wuddly boo boo, hug it! Squeeze it! Kiss it! It tells YOU who I AM!
Because...I can't communicate in words, and I'm too clueless/busy/lazy
to go shopping on my own!
It is some consolation to see how badly these guys are ripped off for
these slack displays of "real love." Don't they KNOW that pajamas and
teddy bears don't actually cost $80 to $100? That roses, at least,
don't scream, "this is ME! take your clothes off and love ME!
MEMEMEMEME!!!!" They just sit there and smell nice until they die. I
find that a perfectly polite and honorable gift. It doesn't say: I'll
love you forever. It says: I love you this week; and YOU remind me of
And what's with the hatbox craze, will it never end? Throw any
inherently cheap item purchased online in a hatbox, and suddenly it's
an elegant and expensive gift in a keepsake box that any woman will
treasure! Newsflash: nobody wears HATS anymore. That garish purple
satin is not vintage, and once the "thing" is out of the box, you WILL
HAVE NO FURTHER USE FOR IT! I guess you can use it to store all the
handwritten love notes he writes you--oh, wait! That's right! We use
EMAIL now! NEVERMIND.
My mind wanders to how real women react to these gifts, as opposed to
the cooing mannequins on TV. They know as well as you or I that this
shit is so expensive because it was a last-minute panic choice from
someone who has no fucking clue about what you might actually want.
Just the idea that this is done for some quid pro quo exchange--he
spends lavishly, you put out--is a super big turnoff. Obviously.
I think customized teddy bears are creepy anyway. They have whole
stores dedicated to this in some malls...*shudder* And I think I can
select and purchase my own sleepwear. Thanks. But no thanks.
Let me see, what would I actually LIKE for Valentine's Day? Some act
that says, I'm focussed on you, not: Hey you, focus on me! I'm not
too big on surprises, but if someone knows me well, I mean REALLY
well, a gift that says, "I know you better than you think I do; I'm
paying attention," could bring tears to my eyes. Material fluff is not
that meaningful to me, but something like old vinyl off eBay or some
hard-to-find paraphernalia pertaining to my interests would obviously
make me happy. Or, I guess, just something that HE likes and felt like
giving to me. It's just a damn gift, you say thank you, you smile and
you go on to the next thing. It really IS the thought that counts,
that's why that weird Internet crap is so alienating. People act like
there is so much riding on one gift. Just bring home takeout from my
favorite restaurant and some message candy hearts, and if I LOVE you,
I'll be overwhelmed with joy. If I didn't love you BEFORE, I'm not
going to love you AFTER you darken my door with a creepy fur doll and
Hello, people. Understand the meaning of gifts. It isn't in order to
get something for YOURSELF. And if you don't get what you want, big
deal. It is JUST ONE FREAKING DAY, people!