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Fabulana's V-Day Rant

(Feb 11, 2008)

by Fabulana 

I'm being Pajama-grammed and Vermont Teddy Bear-grammed to death!

What IS the big deal about getting laid ON the night of February 14?! (The language of the ads imply that this is a really big deal.) There are 364 other days in the year to get laid (or in the case of this year, 365). You would think "it" would fall off if they didn't use "it" on that day. Not to mention that all these dumb "gifts" for her are really somehow gifts that benefit him...explicitly! The ads invite us to picture hot models in pajamas parading around wide-eyed men in armchairs. Gee, thanks, I want to be your eye-candy in jersey stretch knits. I feel loved. And the teddy bear, that's just a stand-in for HIM. Classic male thinking, really. Here, this bear is a "love bandit" or a naughty red devil or a cuddly wuddly boo boo, hug it! Squeeze it! Kiss it! It tells YOU who I AM! Because...I can't communicate in words, and I'm too clueless/busy/lazy to go shopping on my own!

It is some consolation to see how badly these guys are ripped off for these slack displays of "real love." Don't they KNOW that pajamas and teddy bears don't actually cost $80 to $100? That roses, at least, don't scream, "this is ME! take your clothes off and love ME! MEMEMEMEME!!!!" They just sit there and smell nice until they die. I find that a perfectly polite and honorable gift. It doesn't say: I'll love you forever. It says: I love you this week; and YOU remind me of THESE.

And what's with the hatbox craze, will it never end? Throw any inherently cheap item purchased online in a hatbox, and suddenly it's an elegant and expensive gift in a keepsake box that any woman will treasure! Newsflash: nobody wears HATS anymore. That garish purple satin is not vintage, and once the "thing" is out of the box, you WILL HAVE NO FURTHER USE FOR IT! I guess you can use it to store all the handwritten love notes he writes you--oh, wait! That's right! We use EMAIL now! NEVERMIND.

My mind wanders to how real women react to these gifts, as opposed to the cooing mannequins on TV. They know as well as you or I that this shit is so expensive because it was a last-minute panic choice from someone who has no fucking clue about what you might actually want. Just the idea that this is done for some quid pro quo exchange--he spends lavishly, you put out--is a super big turnoff. Obviously.

I think customized teddy bears are creepy anyway. They have whole stores dedicated to this in some malls...*shudder* And I think I can select and purchase my own sleepwear. Thanks. But no thanks.

Let me see, what would I actually LIKE for Valentine's Day? Some act that says, I'm focussed on you, not: Hey you, focus on me! I'm not too big on surprises, but if someone knows me well, I mean REALLY well, a gift that says, "I know you better than you think I do; I'm paying attention," could bring tears to my eyes. Material fluff is not that meaningful to me, but something like old vinyl off eBay or some hard-to-find paraphernalia pertaining to my interests would obviously make me happy. Or, I guess, just something that HE likes and felt like giving to me. It's just a damn gift, you say thank you, you smile and you go on to the next thing. It really IS the thought that counts, that's why that weird Internet crap is so alienating. People act like there is so much riding on one gift. Just bring home takeout from my favorite restaurant and some message candy hearts, and if I LOVE you, I'll be overwhelmed with joy. If I didn't love you BEFORE, I'm not going to love you AFTER you darken my door with a creepy fur doll and some lingerie.

Hello, people. Understand the meaning of gifts. It isn't in order to get something for YOURSELF. And if you don't get what you want, big deal. It is JUST ONE FREAKING DAY, people!


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