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The V Word

by By Alaina

I'm currently 23 years old, and until very recently, I was a virgin.

Now, it wasn't because I was "waiting for marriage" or similar; it was merely because I had little experience with men in general and that I am relatively selective in my choice of partners. The man has to be worthy of MY time for me to want to even go out with him, let alone have sex with him. I see this as no problem and never did; why not stick to my values and hold out instead of giving it up to the first asshole that came along? But everyone ELSE around me saw it as a problem. I don't know how many times, on learning that I was a virgin, that someone would look at me with a combination of shock/horror/pity on their faces and say "Are you SERIOUS?" Then, inevitably, ask me if I'm waiting for marriage. Then, when they find out it's a matter of choice usually say, "Oh, don't worry, it will happen." Or even more annoyingly, "Well go out there and get it over with!"

Is Virginity a disease all of a sudden?

Should I be "cured" of it by having sex with some sleazy bar dude with questionable personal hygiene? And why is it so important for me to rid myself of it? It's not like I hate sex, for goodness sakes, I own both a dildo and a vibrator. So why does me being a virgin make me a lesser person? And, as I grew older, the harder it became to explain my reasoning behind it. If I happened to be interested in a guy, or a guy was interested in me, I'd usually let the guy know. The guy would usually be okay with it - but then when we got closer and closer to sex, he'd disappear on me. Once, a guy friend told me that "Most guys are afraid of Virgins - though it's perceived as awesome, the idea of 'deflowering a horny virgin', when actually presented with it they'll run." Why, might I ask? Is it because they are so terrible at sex themselves that they expect the girl to tell them what they have to do and they are afraid that a Virgin will lie motionless and silent? Are they afraid they will *hurt* me? Here's a tip for all you boys out there: the more aroused the girl is, the more comfortable and enjoyable sex is. All you have to do is get me there and it will be fine - and if it's not, believe me, I WILL LET YOU KNOW. It's not like I'm unaware of what arouses me!

I felt as if to make it easier for people to just lie and say "I AM waiting for Marriage or for that SPECIAL man!" At least then they can feel justified in judging me or feeling pity for oh-so-poor me. And when I do come across those who fall into that category, the wait-for-marriage types, they are excited to find out I'm also a virgin and start preaching to me about how "sex should wait until you are in love". I never was in that camp of thought. I just didn't want to be a) hurt physically and mentally by the situation and b) forced into doing something that I didn't feel comfortable with by the guy or by my own supposed friends.

These problems seem to be common with many girls - in talks with friends, most of them were young when it happened, had a HORRIBLE first time, and were often coerced into it or gave in because they felt inadequate as a person with the big "V" title. Many of them still don't enjoy sex - because they have a hard time speaking up about their wants and desires - which is RIIDICULOUS (but that can wait for another rant). Why must we pressure our own friends into something that may not be enjoyable at all for them? Because society teaches us that if you are not oversexed by 17, you're a barren wasteland of no emotion? Why can't it be enjoyable, pleasurable, and at least COMFORTABLE?

When I finally did have sex for the first time, I DID enjoy it, It WAS comfortable, and I DID have an orgasm. I'm not seeing the guy anymore, but we're still friends; and I don't regret what happened at all. It wasn't the best sex ever, of course, but was it worth waiting for? Yes - because I was ready, because it happened with someone I was comfortable enough with, because I initiated it, because I made my own decision and stuck to it.

So what if it is not "cool" to be a virgin? Why not let your own heart tell you what you want from those you date? If that means waiting until you are married, good for you. If that means having sex with a different person every weeknight, by all means. Just don't look down on others for their own decisions, and remember, just because someone might have the big V emblazoned in red on their chest does not make them any less sexual, nor open to emotion, than you.



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